Come Saturday

Poets post their works-in-progress here for crit and commentary. We want poets who are serious about getting their work published.
Post Reply
Message
Author
meenas17
Posts: 822
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Come Saturday

#1 Post by meenas17 » 10 Mar 2021, 16:35

Massaging my younger son's head
with hot sesame oil I make the other
two sit on the stools.
The eldest one, dips his fingers
into the bowl, Ouch! he cries.
The second one runs
to help his brother, he
places his hand right in the middle.

Screaming both of them half clad
run out of the bathroom
making the little one scared.
Tucking my saree right above the knee
I go behind carry them back
while the kid sobs , his face looks oilmessy
with oil.

I apply oil profusely on the two older ones heads,
rub with force, my fingers go through the hair,
I continue till my palms ache, then,
proceed to massage their hands, legs
tummy each five times up and down.
subjecting to the same process.
I command them to sit unturned
for full 20 minutes

The three throw water over each other,
until the oil descends to the eyelids
irritating the eyeballs, Once again, it is chaos.
I start bathing them with soap nut powder.
give them a harsh treatment until the oil disappears.
Their skin becomes silky to touch, the hair
shines glossy. Sambrani (Benzoin) rises
up from the hot cinders. A procedure
to dry the hair and keep them away from
catching cold.

Sneezing twice or thrice off they go.
I recline on the floor, half dead.
Sweating and palpitating.
my saree half wet, hair flying
in the air, most similar to a deflated
ball. Come Saturday, my boys cry,
Oh, ma! leave us alone,
Never will I.
meenas17

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Come Saturday

#2 Post by BobBradshaw » 13 Mar 2021, 21:15

I like the defiance in the last line. The hair grooming is a good subject, and potential for great humor. It does have humor, but it would be much more effective if the poem was tighter. It's wordy. In the next revision look to trim heavily. The details about oil, etc....are good.

meenas17
Posts: 822
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: Come Saturday

#3 Post by meenas17 » 15 Mar 2021, 18:35

Bob,
I will make it short.
Thanks.
meenas17

Post Reply