so it is he tells himself
humming under his breath
a song his mother sang
when she was unusually happy
he remembers it from that night
she spent hours bathing dressing
fixing make-up dancing around the room
all the while singing her song
as she never had before and never
would again by the end of the night
sitting on the bed in a lump
bawling and sniffling and heaving
for breath then bawling some more
i sat in the corner not knowing what to do
or why someone could be so sad
i became sad that night sixty-two years ago
have been wedded to sadness ever since
and still don't understand why
that song my sad song now
so it is he tells himself
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- Posts: 2154
- Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57
Re: so it is he tells himself
Hi Billy,
a mother-son poem - l relate - motivates me to add another to my portfolio(thx).
"unusually happy" - the phrasing says a lot, and invites further engagement with the poem.
Workshop-consider without
" . . . and never
would again by the end of the night"
^^ because it telescopes the remainder of the poem - the experience & emotional impact of the poem is more poignant if readers discover(infer) with their reading radars. Then this lineage(along with other suggestions) of those middle stanzas:
he remembers it from that night
she spent hours bathing
dressing fixing make-up
dancing & twirling around the room
all the while singing her song
as she never had before
then landing on the bed in a lump
bawling and sniffling and heaving
for breath then crying herself to sleep
I believe "phantom punctuation" is the right choice for this poem.
"wedded" - the power of precise word choice - You inherited a haunted song, a song gone sad, from your mother.
Not a dirge, but a mother & son torch song - and here you have composed the torch-poem -
Bravo & on my short list for the upcoming April IBPC.
Michael (MV)
a mother-son poem - l relate - motivates me to add another to my portfolio(thx).
"unusually happy" - the phrasing says a lot, and invites further engagement with the poem.
Workshop-consider without
" . . . and never
would again by the end of the night"
^^ because it telescopes the remainder of the poem - the experience & emotional impact of the poem is more poignant if readers discover(infer) with their reading radars. Then this lineage(along with other suggestions) of those middle stanzas:
he remembers it from that night
she spent hours bathing
dressing fixing make-up
dancing & twirling around the room
all the while singing her song
as she never had before
then landing on the bed in a lump
bawling and sniffling and heaving
for breath then crying herself to sleep
I believe "phantom punctuation" is the right choice for this poem.
"wedded" - the power of precise word choice - You inherited a haunted song, a song gone sad, from your mother.
Not a dirge, but a mother & son torch song - and here you have composed the torch-poem -
Bravo & on my short list for the upcoming April IBPC.
Michael (MV)
Billy wrote: ↑23 Mar 2021, 06:30so it is he tells himself
humming under his breath
a song his mother sang
when she was unusually happy
he remembers it from that night
she spent hours bathing dressing
fixing make-up dancing around the room
all the while singing her song
as she never had before and never
would again by the end of the night
sitting on the bed in a lump
bawling and sniffling and heaving
for breath then bawling some more
i sat in the corner not knowing what to do
or why someone could be so sad
i became sad that night sixty-two years ago
have been wedded to sadness ever since
and still don't understand why
that song my sad song now
-
- Posts: 1619
- Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17
Re: so it is he tells himself
Sometimes people just give out.
-
- Posts: 2683
- Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Re: so it is he tells himself
I admire how this poem builds slowly up to what seems by the close inevitable:
i sat in the corner not knowing what to do
or why someone could be so sad
i became sad that night sixty-two years ago
have been wedded to sadness ever since
and still don't understand why
i sat in the corner not knowing what to do
or why someone could be so sad
i became sad that night sixty-two years ago
have been wedded to sadness ever since
and still don't understand why