Red Tulip

[BobBradshaw]

v3:
Red Tulip


Everywhere it's about
the young:

in the pines snowy egrets
roost in the branches,

weighted with their nests.
and a ladybug flies by

in a child's
red and black pj's.

I move among the garden
in jeans and floppy hat,

age spots stippling
the backs of my hands--

while a red tulip
opens its mouth

as if ready to smack
her lips before a mirror,

as if a hot date, his car
revving at the curb,

grows impatient
waiting to run off

with his girl to a club
in the city.

v2:
Red Tulip

Everywhere it's about
the young:

in the pines snowy egrets
roost in the branches,

weighted with their nests.
and a ladybug flies by

in a child's
red and black pj's.

I move among the garden
in jeans and floppy hat,

age spots stippling
the backs of my hands.

Everyone ignores me,
even this tulip

with her slightly parted
lipsticked smile.


v1:
Red Tulip


Everywhere it's about
the young:

in the pines snowy egrets
roost in the branches,

weighted with their nests.
and a ladybug flies by

in a child's
red and black pj's.

I move among the garden
in jeans and floppy hat,

age spots stippling
the backs of my hands--

while a red tulip has opened
her mouth slightly

as if ready to smack
her lips before a mirror,

as if a hot date, his car
revving at the curb,

grows impatient
waiting to run off

with her to a club
in the city.

[CalebMurdock]

I've been looking down the list of poems, and I find this poem very compelling. I'm already getting the sense that you enjoyed your youth and miss it now. You write about it in a way that allows me to feel it. My only curiosity is, why break this line?

in a child's red and black
pj's.

That's a minor nit, though. Altogether, a good poem.

[FranktheFrank]

Yeah, why are you breaking on the black, Bob?

[BobBradshaw]

Thanks, guys. You’re right. No compelling reason. That’s just the way I read it aloud. I just like the extra emphasis on pjs. But it’s good to know it doesn’t work. That’s why we workshop. I will change it.

[BobBradshaw]

Changed per your guys' suggestions. Thx

[BobBradshaw]

I'm trying a different approach with this poem...going with just the innocent side of things....

[CalebMurdock]

Gee, Bob. I'm not sure you need to change the poem at all. A "different approach" suggests there will be a lot of changes, but then what will happen to the original poem that moved me?

I do have one small suggestion after reading it again. Instead of:

with her to a club
in the city.

... just:

to a club in the city.

(with a line break if you like)

Just a thought.

==================

Oh my. I just noticed you have a version 2. I think you eliminated some good lines from version 1. I hope you understand that when I critiqued your poem, I wasn't suggesting major changes.

My suggestion would be to put it back the way it was, and just examine the language to make sure it flows.

Okay, I'm about to post a rewrite of version 1. Rewriting is obnoxious, I know.

[CalebMurdock]

Red Tulip


Everywhere it's about
the young:

in the pines snowy egrets
roost in the branches,

weighted with their nests.
and a ladybug flies by

in a child's
red and black pj's.

I move among the garden
in jeans and floppy hat,

age spots stippling
the backs of my hands --

while a red tulip opens --[present tense here]
her mouth slightly

as if ready to smack
her lips before a mirror,

as if a hot date, his car
revving at the curb,

grows impatient
waiting to run off
to a club in the city.

That's all I would change about this poem. I didn't mean to get you rewriting it. If praising one of your poems makes you rewrite it, I may not praise any more of them.

=================

Nope. My change to the ending is a mistake. I want to restore the original with one small difference:

grows impatient
waiting to run off

with his girl to a club
in the city.

Silly me. You know how to write your poems better than I do -- except when you revise them too much.

[CalebMurdock]

I notice that this version of the software doesn't allow us to indent any lines. Too bad.

[BobBradshaw]

Hmmm… I am going with your suggestion, Caleb.
Thanks for your help.

[CalebMurdock]

Wonderful! Wonderful! Of course, I really have no right to tell you what to do with your poetry. I do have a couple more things to say, though.

When you use the term "hot date", you seem to be referring to the speaker, who is male, right? "Hot date" is usually a term people use for the woman. Perhaps when you were young, you were indeed so hot that "hot date" is appropriate. Maybe in that moment, you were seeing yourself through the girl's eyes. I'm not asking you to change it, however, as it is a clue as to how the writer saw himself in his youth. It adds to the poem in its own way.

I didn't share with you some of the points in the poem that I love:

a ladybug in a child's red and black pj's
among the garden in jeans and floppy hat
age spots stippling the backs of my hands
as if ready to smack her lips before a mirror
his car revving at the curb

All of these are great images, really excellent. This is a poem with a lovely, nostalgic flow, with jewel-like images set in it. The flow of the language is the setting for the jewels. It is really very good.

On my computer, I have a WordPerfect file of other people's poems that I love. I am going to put this poem in there (attributed to you, of course) so I will have easy access to it to read it again in the future. You'll be sharing space with Shakespeare, Browning, Donne, Millay, Auden, Frost, Owen, Stallings and other greats (including some poets from the other forum). That's how much I like this poem.

[CalebMurdock]

Okay, one more small issue with the poem:

while a red tulip has opened
her mouth slightly

You decided not to put that in the present tense, as the rest of the poem is. However, if you aren't going to do that, then "while" needs to be changed to "where":

where a red tulip has opened
her mouth slightly

Do you see what I'm saying? If the whole poem is in the present tense, and the tulip opened its mouth in the past, then you need to couch that in place instead of time. Otherwise you are mixing up your tenses related to time.

[FranktheFrank]

He could say, 'While a red tulip opens its mouth.' [Present tense]

[CalebMurdock]

He could say, 'While a red tulip opens its mouth.' [Present tense]

Yes, I suggested that above, but he didn't take the suggestion.

I hope Bob understands that I'm trying to help this poem achieve perfection. Except for Dickinson, the great poets don't make elementary errors.

==================

Oh, I just realized that "where" doesn't work either, because it references the backs of his hands.

It really needs to be in the present tense, as you said, Frank.

[BobBradshaw]

Changed to present tense...thanks again, guys. Thx, Caleb, your remarks are way too generous...but appreciated.

[Michael (MV)]

Hi Bob,

Re V3:

My only workshop suggest is to consider the tile without the Red; just "Tulips"

Now, if mine, I would give sensuality to the word play with the image-driven title:

Two Lips


I hope to spend more time here at home on the Writer's Block



Michael (MV)

v3:
Red Tulip


Everywhere it's about
the young:

in the pines snowy egrets
roost in the branches,

weighted with their nests.
and a ladybug flies by

in a child's
red and black pj's.

I move among the garden
in jeans and floppy hat,

age spots stippling
the backs of my hands--

while a red tulip
opens its mouth

as if ready to smack
her lips before a mirror,

as if a hot date, his car
revving at the curb,

grows impatient
waiting to run off

with his girl to a club
in the city.

v2:
Red Tulip

Everywhere it's about
the young:

in the pines snowy egrets
roost in the branches,

weighted with their nests.
and a ladybug flies by

in a child's
red and black pj's.

I move among the garden
in jeans and floppy hat,

age spots stippling
the backs of my hands.

Everyone ignores me,
even this tulip

with her slightly parted
lipsticked smile.


v1:
Red Tulip


Everywhere it's about
the young:

in the pines snowy egrets
roost in the branches,

weighted with their nests.
and a ladybug flies by

in a child's
red and black pj's.

I move among the garden
in jeans and floppy hat,

age spots stippling
the backs of my hands--

while a red tulip has opened
her mouth slightly

as if ready to smack
her lips before a mirror,

as if a hot date, his car
revving at the curb,

grows impatient
waiting to run off

with her to a club
in the city.