Ode to a Worn Rug

[BobBradshaw]

V2:

Ode to a Worn Rug

To hide my naked head, I wear a rug
which mimics a dead cat.
Ah, how forgiving old age is!

No one wants to embarrass
an ambassador of dementia
by pointing to it.

I move through the markets
with my headdress of a cat,
chin up, haughty like a model

who’s graced the covers of Vogue
—my dead cat the latest
in Parisian headwear.

Still, I’m as alone
as a beggar with leaves
in his hair….

Ah, to have long tresses again,
mussed by a Greek chef, Zoe.
"Use olive oil," she advised,

"to keep your hair healthy."
Is that why I’m now alone?
It’s said love's

assured if you stroke
a spoonful of liquid gold
daily through your hair.

If only, darling chef,
wherever you
and your urges simmer,

I could again rate you
a five star lover.

Ah, Zoe,
why would God embarrass me,
stealing my hair,

a little by little, quietly—
the way he stole
my youth?


V1:
Hair Loss

To hide my naked head, I wear a rug
which mimics a dead cat.
Ah, how nice old age is!

No one wants to embarrass
the aged, or an ambassador
of dementia by pointing to it.

I move through the markets
with my headdress of a cat,
chin up, haughty like a model

who’s graced the covers of Vogue
—my dead cat the latest
in Parisian headwear.

Still, I’m as alone
as a beggar with leaves
in his hair….

Ah, to have long tresses again,
mussed by a Greek chef, Zoe.
"Use olive oil," she advised,

"to keep your hair healthy."
Is that why I’m now alone?
It’s said love's

assured if you stroke
a spoonful of liquid gold
daily through your hair.

If only, darling chef,
wherever you
and your urges simmer,

I could again rate you
a five star lover.

Why would God embarrass me,
stealing my hair,
a little by little, quietly—
the way he stole
my youth?

[CalebMurdock]

I think this is a very good poem. It reads well, smoothly, conversationally. Whatever critical thoughts I have of it are about individual lines.

"Hair Loss" isn't the most inspired title.

I understand what you're saying in this stanza, but it reads a little strange:

No one wants to embarrass
the aged, or an ambassador
of dementia by pointing to it.

Maybe you should remove the comma.

The third line of this stanza doesn't read well:

"to keep your hair healthy."
Is that why I’m now alone?
It’s said love's

How about this?

It is said that love
|
is assured if you stroke

Isn't olive oil a little green in color? Maybe not -- maybe I'm just remembering that it comes in a green bottle. If it's true that it is a little green, it occurred to me that I might call it "green gold" if I were writing this. (Just a thought to be ignored if you don't like it.)

I don't think you need "a" in this line:

a little by little, quietly—

The final stanza -- appealing to God -- doesn't sound inspired, but it is good enough.

Altogether, this is a good poem. You do these kinds of personal poems very well. The voice you use is human, relaxed and warm (as in sympathetic). I could definitely learn something from you, as my own writing is full of tension.

[BobBradshaw]

Thanks, Caleb. I agree the title isn’t memorable. I’m open to suggestions, even wild funny ones….

[CalebMurdock]

How about, "Walking the Cat"?

[BobBradshaw]

Ha! Maybe

[CalebMurdock]

Now, don't be offended, but sometimes when I read someone else's poem enough times, I start wanting to revise it as if it were mine. I've already made some suggestions. Still, if this were my poem I would make these changes:

Walking the Cat

To hide my naked head, I wear a rug
which mimics a feline thing.
Ah, how forgiving old age is!

No one wants to embarrass
this ambassador of the demented
by pointing it out.

(No suggestions for the next two stanzas.)

[BobBradshaw]

Thanks for your comments, Caleb. I’ve tweaked the poem.

[CalebMurdock]

Not sure why you are attached to this line. It's the biggest problem in the poem:

It’s said love's

Even this would be better:

It’s said love's assured

Contractions can be very poetic if they're used right. I don't see the reason here.

[BobBradshaw]

It's just the way I hear it spoken....I did change the title, and work forgiveness into a line, per your suggestions....enjoy new year's!

[CalebMurdock]

Same to you.

[Michael (MV)]

An early Healthy & Happy New Year to you, Bob,

and Bravo & Congrats on your recent Recognition as Poet of the Month in The Wise Owl:

https://www.thewiseowl.art/bob-bradshaw


In my reading of your poem here, I believe you have found the right title - à là Neruda with humor.

Perhaps I may return to this poem with further workshopping.

It has been a blessing to workshop through the years with you, a veteran poet - I hope & look forward to seeing you and all the other veterans continue here - along with returnees and newcomers, too

To the WB, Cheers



Michael (MV)

[Michael (MV)]

See here, I have returned; and I had no idea it would be so spontaneously - but when my entry moved the thread to the top, I suddenly heard & saw these words:

Ode to a worn rug




Michael (MV)

[BobBradshaw]

Thanks, Michael. I like the worn rug suggestion. I will change the title.

It’s been a lot of fun for me as well working with so many talented poets…. The enjoyment of reading so many good poems at this site has been a literary blessing.

Enjoy the new year… all of it!
Bob