The Matchmaker (small changes)

[CalebMurdock]

The Matchmaker (revised)

[BobBradshaw]

This is a fresh twist on the ever popular matchmaker theme.

There is a bit of filler…”of course”, “sans serenity”. The first 3 lines aren’t needed. The last 2 lines of S1 echo the 2nd and 3rd lines anyway. The first line isn’t needed because the title tells us who she is.

Having been briefed…remove “Having been”. Begin with “Briefed”.


I chuckled when I read “daft woman”. I love the word daft, and it’s perfectly employed here.

I like this image:
the same face
I wear at 2 a.m. when the bar closes Sunday morn.

It’s a nice poem. My suggestions are minor. As always, if you don’t agree, that’s fine. Just shrug them off.

[CalebMurdock]

Bob, thanks for commenting. I wonder if the poem was a little too gay for this board. I never meant to be a gay poet, but it's part of my life, so I write about it a lot.

When I revise, I often find myself cutting my poems down naturally, but not necessarily the words other people think I should remove. What I'll do is this, I'll cut all of the words you want me to cut to see how I like it. But if I don't, I'll restore some.

Regarding the first three lines, the poem isn't really about the woman, it's about the bad experience she gave me, so starting the poem out with a slap at her feels right to me. I still resent that woman for setting me up for a gratuitous rejection.

Thanks again.

[BobBradshaw]

Being too gay for this board? What nonsense. This isn’t the 1950s.

[Billy]

Just be yourself, a human being, and write what you know, tell the truth, as Hemingway said.

I do agree with Bob, the title already says what the first line repeats. And the next lines accomplish your frustration with her, and your disdain.

[CalebMurdock]

Thanks, Billy.

I've started to realize that most of my poems are about unpleasant things. I'll try to find an upbeat poem to post.

[BobBradshaw]

Caleb, since most of the comments about your poems have been from me, and since I was the only one to comment on this poem before your accusation,I take this comment of yours personally.

“ I wonder if the poem was a little too gay for this board.”

I will no longer comment on your poems. Others can comment on them.

Please don’t comment on my postings. If you do, I will ignore them.

[FranktheFrank]

Hello guys.
I had intended to keep away from stress during this difficult time
However reading the posts I realise even more at this time how easy
it is to upset each other. And at the risk of inflaming the situation,
and I hope you forgive me butting in, I mean well. After what I have
been through I will say this with the best of intentions and for the sake
of the Board and for the sake of poetry in general:

What we have is valuable for us and for those that read, if this board
is discontinued, poetry will suffer. We have had something good here for
decades and I personally have developed under the guidance of Michael
and better poets than myself. May I suggest we walk away for a while
and if someone is getting up one's nose, perhaps not comment for while
until peace reigns.

Life is too precious to lose friends, forgive me guys, you can tell me to
F' off if you like, but for the sake of the Board.

warm regards

ieuan

[CalebMurdock]

Bob, the comment I made about the poem being a little too gay for this forum wasn't directed at you, so why are you taking it personally? I don't expect straight men to relate to gay poetry very well. Gay themes just aren't what they are into.

You are too defensive, Bob. You've got a chip on your shoulder that isn't serving you well.

You are undoubtedly angry now because of what I said about your other poem, the one about the mother writing to her daughter. But that was my honest opinion. There's nothing about that dialogue that strikes me as something a mother would say in correspondence to a travelling daughter. It doesn't strike me as realistic. Whether I am right or wrong, I gave you an honest critique.