the sun is coated in a raindrop
and the perfection here is unsettling
I need to hear an electronic voice on my gps
before I believe I've actually arrived in eden
I can see the green leaves from the trunk
that made this wooden bench
my skin gets more and more like jewelry
the first instinct I have is to scrape it off
and take it to one of those cash for gold places
but then I remember
the only adornment or legal tender
I need now is the honeysuckle
and my mouth slowly begins to get reaquainted
with the sweetness it was meant for
my old life vanishes under the shadow of a flock of geese-
the last thing I will ever have to watch die
(to order a copy of my first poetry book lapping water go here-
http://lappingwater.weebly.com/)
gates swinging open
-
- Posts: 2154
- Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57
Re: gates swinging open
Hi Octogen,
Is this poem, gates swinging open, in your chapbook? Is this poem unpublished?
Are you representing any other board this upcoming June IBPC?
If this poem is unpublished, and if you are not representing any other board,
would you please accept or decline to represent the Block in this thread @ P & N:
Our 2 to represent the Block for June 2012
viewtopic.php?f=3&t=5405
If you accept, please also provide in that same thread all the necessary info as delineated in the initial entry.
Thanks, Octogen,
and I hope you and all fellow Block poets are enjoying the long M-weekend
Michael (MV)
Is this poem, gates swinging open, in your chapbook? Is this poem unpublished?
Are you representing any other board this upcoming June IBPC?
If this poem is unpublished, and if you are not representing any other board,
would you please accept or decline to represent the Block in this thread @ P & N:
Our 2 to represent the Block for June 2012
viewtopic.php?f=3&t=5405
If you accept, please also provide in that same thread all the necessary info as delineated in the initial entry.
Thanks, Octogen,
and I hope you and all fellow Block poets are enjoying the long M-weekend
Michael (MV)
Re: gates swinging open
What a lovely poem, Octo.
I can chew on it for a while and it will still rmain pleasant in my mouth.
Cheers
Yo
I can chew on it for a while and it will still rmain pleasant in my mouth.
Cheers
Yo
Re: gates swinging open
Yea! like Yoly I too savoured this poem. I think it can be improved which no one else has suggested. I would use caps for the title, important and begin sentences with a capital letter too, just for standard English usage.
'The sun is coated ina raindrop' seems to explicit to me, why not: the sun coated in a shimery raindrop, is that too flowery? But anyhow cut the 'is'
the sun is coated in a raindrop
and the perfection here is unsettling. I would prefer something along the ilnes of: 'Perfection unsettling'
I find the next two lines laboured, can you shorten and mnake it rather less posaic. I am aware other slike it as it is.
I need to hear an electronic voice on my gps. 'An electronic ping of my GPS would settle me
That I have arrived in the garden before the fall.'
before I believe I've actually arrived in eden
I can see the green leaves from the trunk
that made this wooden bench
my skin gets more and more like jewelry
the first instinct I have is to scrape it off
and take it to one of those cash for gold places
but then I remember
the only adornment or legal tender
I need now is the honeysuckle
and my mouth slowly begins to get reaquainted
with the sweetness it was meant for
my old life vanishes under the shadow of a flock of geese-
the last thing I will ever have to watch die [things don't die in Eden!]
(to order a copy of my first poetry book lapping water go here-
'The sun is coated ina raindrop' seems to explicit to me, why not: the sun coated in a shimery raindrop, is that too flowery? But anyhow cut the 'is'
the sun is coated in a raindrop
and the perfection here is unsettling. I would prefer something along the ilnes of: 'Perfection unsettling'
I find the next two lines laboured, can you shorten and mnake it rather less posaic. I am aware other slike it as it is.
I need to hear an electronic voice on my gps. 'An electronic ping of my GPS would settle me
That I have arrived in the garden before the fall.'
before I believe I've actually arrived in eden
I can see the green leaves from the trunk
that made this wooden bench
my skin gets more and more like jewelry
the first instinct I have is to scrape it off
and take it to one of those cash for gold places
but then I remember
the only adornment or legal tender
I need now is the honeysuckle
and my mouth slowly begins to get reaquainted
with the sweetness it was meant for
my old life vanishes under the shadow of a flock of geese-
the last thing I will ever have to watch die [things don't die in Eden!]
(to order a copy of my first poetry book lapping water go here-