JOURNEY THROUGH SMOG

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SnickleFrittes
Posts: 13
Joined: 02 Jan 2013, 00:38

JOURNEY THROUGH SMOG

#1 Post by SnickleFrittes » 05 Jan 2013, 09:08

we sit in the cab
of a huge maroon
kenworth
semi-truck

for hours
we talk about life;
the alchohol
the women
abortion
and
money

the sun drops
behind mountains of smog. . .

then
mile after mile
as the windows freeze
in beautiful designs
we sit in silence

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Billy
Posts: 992
Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

Re: JOURNEY THROUGH SMOG

#2 Post by Billy » 05 Jan 2013, 18:31

a pretty good little haiku moment.

macmacyo
Posts: 3
Joined: 18 Feb 2013, 07:44

Re: JOURNEY THROUGH SMOG

#3 Post by macmacyo » 18 Feb 2013, 08:16

i can relate with this moment. Im assuming its one of those silent moments with a group of great people, or should i say, something important in your life. I like conversations like that too and I always find myself satisfied after specially if the person or people you are makes it interesting.

then
mile after mile
as the windows freeze
in beautiful designs
we sit in silence

Good ending. It was probably some good evening too huh. I like it man

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Yoly
Posts: 274
Joined: 20 Apr 2005, 22:44

Re: JOURNEY THROUGH SMOG

#4 Post by Yoly » 19 Feb 2013, 05:37

Hi SnickleFrittes


we sit in the cab
of a huge maroon
kenworth
semi-truck

for hours
we talk about life;
the alchohol
(the) women
abortion
and
money

the sun drops
behind mountains of smog. . .

then
mile after mile
as the windows freeze
in beautiful designs
(we sit in) silence


There is a bigger story in the wings of this poem. I wanted more. Yet, I like that it is compact. The parenthesis is merely a suggestion to shave.
Welcome to the board.

FrankDyer
Posts: 227
Joined: 17 May 2011, 06:28

Re: JOURNEY THROUGH SMOG

#5 Post by FrankDyer » 11 Mar 2013, 02:05

Good.

Woetrame
Posts: 33
Joined: 12 Feb 2013, 03:35

Re: JOURNEY THROUGH SMOG

#6 Post by Woetrame » 11 Mar 2013, 04:45

we sit in the cab of a huge maroon kenworth semi-truck for hours we talk about life;
the alchohol the women abortion and money the sun drops behind mountains of smog. . .

then mile after mile as the windows freeze in beautiful designs we sit in silence


This is how your poem reads. Either you use grammar, or you don't. This half-mix isn't working. A line break IS NOT punctuation.

That aside, you're not far off a decent poem.

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