me and her in the rain

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SnickleFrittes
Posts: 13
Joined: 02 Jan 2013, 00:38

me and her in the rain

#1 Post by SnickleFrittes » 05 Feb 2013, 05:11

rain makes
puddles
in the street
outside
of the small
café

as
rain
has been
everyday
this
month

through the
large
window
I watch
as people
jump
from their
cabs,
run
fumbling their
keys,
trying to
escape
into their
apartments

as I sip my
coffee
she sits
down
next to me

“would
you be
sad
if I died?”

“Yes,”
I reply
“I would
cry.”

she finishes
her
breakfast
and walks out
the sad wooden
door

the next
morning
I sip my
coffee
alone

the sun
slowly rises
in the clear
blue sky

in the
streets
the puddles
shrink

I watch
out
through
the large
window

and
cry

User avatar
WritersBlock
Site Admin
Posts: 58
Joined: 10 Apr 2005, 04:13

Re: me and her in the rain

#2 Post by WritersBlock » 09 Feb 2013, 02:12

Thank you for posting this. Please encourage others to join and bring some new life to this board.

Woetrame
Posts: 33
Joined: 12 Feb 2013, 03:35

Re: me and her in the rain

#3 Post by Woetrame » 12 Feb 2013, 04:36

Line breaks are not a substitute for punctuation.

SnickleFrittes
Posts: 13
Joined: 02 Jan 2013, 00:38

Re: me and her in the rain

#4 Post by SnickleFrittes » 12 Feb 2013, 07:33

then you miss the point of the poem. If you have a closed mind you always will. Poetry is about freedom of expression, i will not be captive to form.

maybe try reading it?

Woetrame
Posts: 33
Joined: 12 Feb 2013, 03:35

Re: me and her in the rain

#5 Post by Woetrame » 12 Feb 2013, 19:33

I am sorry for the rudeness of my earlier response, which I will now edit down as I don't want to discourage others form posting.

User avatar
Yoly
Posts: 274
Joined: 20 Apr 2005, 22:44

Re: me and her in the rain

#6 Post by Yoly » 19 Feb 2013, 05:51

The poem breezes about rain and people
And in the end the end surprises. I like the simple, easy manner with which you presented this.
My only pause was
"as
rain
has been
everyday
this
month" The wording is off. May be unnecessary.

Thank you for posting.

FrankDyer
Posts: 227
Joined: 17 May 2011, 06:28

Re: me and her in the rain

#7 Post by FrankDyer » 11 Mar 2013, 02:04

I liked this poem
I don't usually like this form
But, I love rain poems
I almost always like them
That's not to say there is no merit in this other than the rain
But I think it is a poem, and I enjoyed it.

I hope no one addresses me over my poor critique or invites me to be potically polite. I think critiques should always be about the posted poem, not about lovie dovie pals or any other matter.

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