Talking To Myself Without Praying

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Billy
Posts: 992
Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

Talking To Myself Without Praying

#1 Post by Billy » 30 May 2013, 19:30

Talking To Myself Without Praying

How can I love you
when you're lying
in the street, passersby
walking over you?

The father will save you,
but he's behind bars.
Mother's there beside you,
giggling. Pick yourself up.

Smile. Your friend watches,
waits. The man with a gun
leans against a pole
at the corner of Main.



Billy

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1169
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Talking To Myself Without Praying

#2 Post by SivaRamanathan » 03 Jun 2013, 20:53

Billy
I thought of Donne when I read your first line.
How can I love you
The poem is compact,though I don't get the image of the man with the gun.Keep it as it is.Michael usually has some edit points.I have been reading this so many time but the meaning still remains obscure.
S

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1169
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Talking To Myself Without Praying

#3 Post by SivaRamanathan » 06 Jun 2013, 06:29

''The father will save you,''
is that a Biblical reference?

FrankDyer
Posts: 227
Joined: 17 May 2011, 06:28

Re: Talking To Myself Without Praying

#4 Post by FrankDyer » 05 Jul 2013, 18:34

It would be capital 'F' for Father in a biblical reference.

ichiozi1
Posts: 14
Joined: 01 May 2013, 04:52

Re: Talking To Myself Without Praying

#5 Post by ichiozi1 » 24 Jul 2013, 05:18

loved this!

FrankDyer
Posts: 227
Joined: 17 May 2011, 06:28

Re: Talking To Myself Without Praying

#6 Post by FrankDyer » 12 Aug 2013, 01:19

I think you are improving in your short strory approach Billy, its a style I like just would like more detail.

SnickleFrittes
Posts: 13
Joined: 02 Jan 2013, 00:38

Re: Talking To Myself Without Praying

#7 Post by SnickleFrittes » 14 Aug 2013, 09:10

I like the style very much. Like what was said before, it is a little quick. I would say, try to explain more to give the reader more to relate to. Remember, you're painting a picture in the readers mind. I personally believe detailed imagery and emotional content is key. But hmm very intriguing and I do like it.

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