Referencing: A Cinderella/Princess In The Same Culture

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SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1169
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Referencing: A Cinderella/Princess In The Same Culture

#1 Post by SivaRamanathan » 01 Aug 2013, 06:00

He studies at an American university,
making innumerable
black and white slides.

By air he lands
on native ground, then returns to
his place of birth
in a decorated car.

An air-plane clip
made of semi-precious white stones
trails in her hair like a jet stream.
Her would-be sister
taunts her ---

Each Night Upon The Balcony In Her Own House

she learns something new:
how to hold a cigarette
and let out smoke;
how to filter tea
through a bra cup;
how to peck a kiss
and explore ;

outside the round room real planes
flash lights, it is the same story
noise drowns the ecstasy.




He is in the America
studying and making innumerable
black and white slides.

He comes back
to his native place
in a decorated car.
He has come by air-plane
white stones are shining on her hair
an air-plane hair clip made of semi-precious
American diamonds; her would be's sister
taunts her ---
she is already in a fantasy world.

Night-scape On The Balcony


Each night
she learns something new
how to hold a cigarette
how to let out smoke
how to filter tea
through a bra cup
how to peck a kiss
how to explore
outside the round room real planes
flash lights, it is the same story
noise drowns the ecstasy.

IapCharon
Posts: 17
Joined: 13 Jul 2013, 06:08

Re: She Enters The World Of Fantasy

#2 Post by IapCharon » 07 Aug 2013, 23:39

Hello Siva,

Based on my read, the truly standout lines about this piece is here:

Each night
she learns something new
...how to filter tea
through a bra cup...

I would encourage a rewrite around that...bearing in mind, it would be extremely hard to make something as mundane as holding a cigarette or letting out smoke 'interesting' unless the context is clearly established, and somewhat at odds, so that the act itself in all it's normalcy, defines something new for the reader in the context of the reality surrounding it....something to chew on, maybe?

IC

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1169
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: She Enters The World Of Fantasy

#3 Post by SivaRamanathan » 08 Aug 2013, 11:11

IC
Women don't smoke in Tamilnadu. Even if they do they don't do so in public.Good women (family type) don't smoke.If a woman smokes it means that she lacks character.I am talking about half a century earlier.Thanks for the 'through the cups of bras'; I want to stress that something eccentric is going on....something out of the ordinary.
Siva

Michael (MV)
Posts: 1685
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: She Enters The World Of Fantasy

#4 Post by Michael (MV) » 08 Aug 2013, 21:28

Hi Siva,


A cinderella/princess in a new/different culture.


F Scott Fitzgerald's The Great Gatsby, & the Lost Generation, & Woody Allen's Midnight in Paris come to my memory - they happen to be part of my last few days - coincidence - that's why they are referencing for me.



re "Night-scape On The Balcony"

^^ does that indicate a 2nd part to the poem?

If so, then the 1st is day time; then the 2nd is nocturnal. Since that time & setting are already indicated in the text, an extra line itself isn't needed to tell the time :)


He studies at an American university,
making innumerable
black and white slides.

By air he lands
on native ground, then returns to
his place of birth
in a decorated car. An air-plane clip
made of semi-precious white stones
trails in her hair like a jet stream.
Her would-be sister
taunts her ---



Not sure these next 2 are needed:

"she is already in a fantasy world." - given the title

"Night-scape On The Balcony" - consider instead the suggested 1st line below


Each night upon the balcony in a strange land
she learns something new:
how to hold a cigarette
and let out smoke;
how to filter tea
through a bra cup;
how to peck a kiss
and explore outside the round room real planes
flash lights, it is the same story
noise drowns the ecstasy.

^^ Yes, noise as in pandemonium; ecstasy as in alive; passion


8)

Michael (MV)

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1169
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Referencing: A Cinderella/Princess In The Same Culture

#5 Post by SivaRamanathan » 10 Aug 2013, 12:44

Thanks Michael,
Alternate titles,''Noise As In Pandemonium; Ecstasy As In Alive; Passion
Please read through once again.
Siva

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