candle

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OCTOGENARIAN
Posts: 78
Joined: 01 Nov 2008, 02:14

candle

#1 Post by OCTOGENARIAN » 12 Nov 2013, 19:39

God,there's a candle burning for me
lit by a face I do not know
and she thinks I might die
now that everyone is gone
now that everyone is gone

I would like to play ring around the rosie with the flame
like to let the snowflakes decorate it in a circle
my bed is too large
the mattress is thick with memories
it seems you keep them packed
where I cannot reach
where I cannot reach

just across from my pillows
many hands call me their lover
some I know, some I don't
but they all listen to the tones of my coughing
like great symphonies were being written
like they'd be there incarnate in the morning
like they'd be there incarnate in the morning

and I'd trade all of the dreams I'm having
for a simple daytime reverie
and my candle has burned up the moon
it seems God, the miles of cement I've walked
used me for my steps
no street has sent a postcard
no bosom of highway left to suckle
I just hope the mugger on Brunswick ave.
has forgiven himself
at least for Christmas
only I, looked into his brass eyes
only I, looked into his brass eyes

so the flame has finally gone out now
even the smoke is in no one's eyes at all
it seems the fever has ended too
and the tissues by the bed have turned into Your wings
I hope the candle was a nice orange nd yellow for you
in all of the black ice below
the people there don't even know they're slipping
as they're going down
as they're going down

let's cry awhile together God
over by something you've made
over by something you've made

User avatar
Billy
Posts: 1007
Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

Re: candle

#2 Post by Billy » 14 Nov 2013, 04:27

I'm not sure I understand the need for repetition or its effectiveness. I especially like S4&5. I may not be understanding your intent. I will come back to this later if I get a clearer feeling about it. Thanks

OCTOGENARIAN
Posts: 78
Joined: 01 Nov 2008, 02:14

Re: candle

#3 Post by OCTOGENARIAN » 03 Dec 2013, 23:52

thank you for your thoughts on this Billy.

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1169
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: candle

#4 Post by SivaRamanathan » 05 Dec 2013, 06:29

Just an experiment...



candle


now that everyone is gone

God,there's a candle burning for me
lit by a face I do not know
and she thinks I might die
now that everyone is gone

where I cannot reach

I would like to play ring around the rosie with the flame
like to let the snowflakes decorate it in a circle
my bed is too large
the mattress is thick with memories
it seems you keep them packed
where I cannot reach

like they'd be there incarnate in the morning

just across from my pillows
many hands call me their lover
some I know, some I don't
but they all listen to the tones of my coughing
like great symphonies were being written
like they'd be there incarnate in the morning

only I, looked into his brass eyes

and I'd trade all of the dreams I'm having
for a simple daytime reverie
and my candle has burned up the moon
it seems God, the miles of cement I've walked
used me for my steps
no street has sent a postcard
no bosom of highway left to suckle
I just hope the mugger on Brunswick ave.
has forgiven himself
at least for Christmas
only I, looked into his brass eyes

as they're going down

so the flame has finally gone out now
even the smoke is in no one's eyes at all
it seems the fever has ended too
and the tissues by the bed have turned into Your wings
I hope the candle was a nice orange nd yellow for you
in all of the black ice below
the people there don't even know they're slipping
as they're going down

over by something you've made

let's cry awhile together God
over by something you've made

ealove89
Posts: 9
Joined: 13 Dec 2013, 06:23

Re: candle

#5 Post by ealove89 » 13 Dec 2013, 06:33

Depressing. It'll be okay buddy.

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