Boys of Summer

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BobBradshaw
Posts: 1607
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Boys of Summer

#1 Post by BobBradshaw » 22 Feb 2020, 01:42

V2:
Boys of Summer


A ball leaped past my glove
like a hare through a hole in a hedge,
runners circling the bases.

Other fathers raced onto the field,
the game over,
chattering like infielders.
My father sulked in the car
behind tinted glass.

There were only errors in 1960,
the year I was given a bus ticket
and sent down to live with my aunt
in Shreveport, to save money
my mother said.

My father
didn't show up at the station
to say goodbye.
Even at ten I knew the price
of chances fumbled
away.

V1:
Boys of Summer


My father sat forward on his bleacher seat,
hand in chin, disappointed
as always.
A ball leaped past my glove
like a hare through a hole in a hedge,
runners circling the bases.

Other fathers raced onto the field,
the game over,
chattering like infielders.
My father sulked in the car
behind tinted glass.

There were only errors in 1960,
the year I was given a bus ticket
and sent down to live with my aunt
in Shreveport, to save money
my mother said.

My father
didn't show up at the station
to say goodbye. If I had been a phenom,
would I have been sent down?
Even at ten I knew the price
of chances fumbled
away.

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1169
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Boys of Summer

#2 Post by SivaRamanathan » 22 Feb 2020, 20:54

Bob
I like the way you begin and take the poem forward. But the way you end invokes self pity,you can do without.

My father didn't show up at the station
to say goodbye.

Is a 'douche of cold water on the face.'Avoid the 'if ' questions of self doubt. But keep the last two lines.

Even at ten I knew the price
of chances fumbled
away.

S

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1607
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Boys of Summer

#3 Post by BobBradshaw » 22 Feb 2020, 21:35

Thx, Siva... I simplified the poem. Let me know your thoughts.

Michael (MV)
Posts: 1654
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: Boys of Summer

#4 Post by Michael (MV) » 23 Feb 2020, 15:00

Hi Bob,

I like the revision - opening w/ the simile, w/out the 1st lines of the 1st draft is more dynamic & engaging as an opening should be.

Then, workshop-wise I'm hearing:

runners circling the bases, like wolves.

runners, like wolves, circling the bases.

^^ or maybe that over-extends the figurative

Bob, your revision evolves the draft,
as revisions should

🤓 😎

Michael

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1607
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Boys of Summer

#5 Post by BobBradshaw » 23 Feb 2020, 21:46

Thanks, Michael... and to Siva for her suggestions

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1169
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Boys of Summer

#6 Post by SivaRamanathan » 24 Feb 2020, 21:52

Bob

Your revision gives propulsion to the poem.


I also want to tell you I enjoyed reading it.Now,all the more,after you revision, I will use the present tense and say,I enjoy reading it.

S

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1169
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Boys of Summer

#7 Post by SivaRamanathan » 24 Feb 2020, 21:52

Bob

Your revision gives propulsion to the poem.


I also want to tell you I enjoyed reading it.Now,all the more,after you revision, I will use the present tense and say,I enjoy reading it.

S

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1607
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Boys of Summer

#8 Post by BobBradshaw » 25 Feb 2020, 00:08

Thanks, Siva

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