The poem I tried to write

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Billy
Posts: 1090
Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

The poem I tried to write

#1 Post by Billy » 31 Oct 2013, 02:26

The poem I tried to write

The mourning dove coos
A freight train rumbles in the distance
Its insistent horn

blaring above the insouciant coos
I should be in bed dreaming
The train click-clacks to places

I've never been
its whistle running out of breath
These words an empty boxcar





Billy

FrankDyer
Posts: 227
Joined: 17 May 2011, 06:28

Re: The poem I tried to write

#2 Post by FrankDyer » 31 Oct 2013, 20:54

I am enjoying your work more Billy. I like this transient moment, I think you expressed it well. Sometime I think these are what life is about when we enjoy the moment above all else and have the time to ponder.

chrisann
Posts: 3
Joined: 04 Nov 2013, 02:00

Re: The poem I tried to write

#3 Post by chrisann » 04 Nov 2013, 02:29

Hey Billy,

I like this quiet poem. The last two stanzas work well for me, and could maybe even stand on their own.

The function of the first 3-4 lines serve only to set up the scene with doves/approaching train; they lack the sparse, direct feel of the lines that follow. Perhaps it's an adjective issue for me--to many.

"Insistent"/"insouciant" might just as easily be implied. For me that's what a dove and train's horn and dove connote.

Chrisann

dyerfrank
Posts: 71
Joined: 09 Nov 2013, 03:17

Re: The poem I tried to write

#4 Post by dyerfrank » 09 Nov 2013, 03:20

I always travel first class

OCTOGENARIAN
Posts: 78
Joined: 01 Nov 2008, 02:14

Re: The poem I tried to write

#5 Post by OCTOGENARIAN » 12 Nov 2013, 19:42

i like this a great deal.your words just cannot match what your senses are taking in. I've been there.for what its worth i think your descriptives wonderful. the boxcar line is outstanding.thank you.

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