Postcard (new title for Escape from Routine plus revision)

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capricorn
Posts: 382
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Postcard (new title for Escape from Routine plus revision)

#1 Post by capricorn » 07 Dec 2019, 17:29

Postcard (revision of title and some tightening up)

Postcard

Dolphin towels merge with swimwear
tumbling to the washer’s rhythm,

a plastic bucketful of kelp
for grandma’s aches, vibrates.

At the grill, the aroma of fish
I drift …

We explore, zig-zag dunes,
sand scratching between toes

until treasures spill over from
a Disney Mouse pail.

Rockpools soothe our weary feet
as tiddlers’ fins tickle, we giggle.

Children’s whoops drown the ocean’s
gentle sloshing, seagulls skwark

swooping at our ices.
We join the lines of pasty bodies,

reclining, basted ready to roast.
A whiff of plaice from the barbecue

I jolt back …
to whispered secrets,

shell collages and painted pebble
paper weights for Christmas presents.

The smell of fish fingers burning,
‘Quick, wash hands, tea’s ready kids!’


------------------------------------------------------

Escape from routine

Rhythmically humming, the washer tumbles
dolphin towels with multicoloured swimwear.

On top, a plastic pail of gulfweed gathered
for grandma’s aching feet.

We zig-zag dunes, exploring,
sand scratching between toes;

shells and pebbles collected
in a Mickey Mouse bucket.

Swollen feet cool on kelp carpets;
we giggle as tiddler’s fins tickle toes.

The ocean’s gentle sloshing is covered by
children’s shouts and seagulls screeching.

After bobbing in the waves, we join pasty
bodies reclining, basted ready to roast.

From the nearby barbecue, wafts
of fresh plaice, spices the salty air.

… I float back to children’s whispers,
making shell pictures for grandparents,

pebble paper weights are painted
for friend’s Christmas presents.

I smell fish fingers - almost burning!
Tea’s ready, kids.”

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Escape from Routine

#2 Post by BobBradshaw » 07 Dec 2019, 21:20

A pleasant slice of life

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Escape from Routine

#3 Post by BobBradshaw » 11 Dec 2019, 23:57

You're using alliteration more and more....but here you capture the sensation of giggling with alliteration and assonance. Is it too much or just delightful? I think it's great

we giggle as tiddler’s fins tickle toes

capricorn
Posts: 382
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Escape from Routine

#4 Post by capricorn » 16 Dec 2019, 01:44

BobBradshaw wrote:
11 Dec 2019, 23:57
You're using alliteration more and more....but here you capture the sensation of giggling with alliteration and assonance. Is it too much or just delightful? I think it's great

we giggle as tiddler’s fins tickle toes
Thanks Bob, I sometimes wonder if I go too far with alliteration, but I do love using it. Glad it worked for you.
Eira

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Escape from Routine

#5 Post by BobBradshaw » 05 Jan 2020, 21:30

Eira, your poem is nominated for the IBPC. Can you post it? Thx

capricorn
Posts: 382
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Escape from Routine

#6 Post by capricorn » 05 Jan 2020, 23:36

Thanks Bob!

capricorn
Posts: 382
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Postcard (new title for Escape from Routine plus revision)

#7 Post by capricorn » 11 Apr 2022, 03:59

Although this poem seems ok, I just felt like looking at it again.
Eira

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Postcard (new title for Escape from Routine plus revision)

#8 Post by FranktheFrank » 11 Apr 2022, 04:13

Yes, lots of sounds in this.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Postcard (new title for Escape from Routine plus revision)

#9 Post by BobBradshaw » 12 Apr 2022, 00:34

Very enjoyable. I wish postcards were as lovely as this one.

capricorn
Posts: 382
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Postcard (new title for Escape from Routine plus revision)

#10 Post by capricorn » 20 Apr 2022, 23:48

Thanks Frank & Bob - it's good to be back
eira

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