The Hunter

Poets post their works-in-progress here for crit and commentary. We want poets who are serious about getting their work published.
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BobBradshaw
Posts: 2675
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

The Hunter

#1 Post by BobBradshaw » 17 Apr 2021, 06:04

V2:
The Hunter

The only time I’m truly calm
is when I’m alone, writing.

My heart settles
into a reassuring rhythm,
as when I'm reading a novel

where those I admire stride casually in
even from centuries away--
often from Vienna, Paris, Venice.

Neruda was happiest
when hunting for poems
in the forest. My heart

is most ecstatic when untethered
to the present. I open
a notebook ready

as snow is for paw prints
and my heart leaps like a dog
welcoming its master home,

eager for the promise of a romp.
We both relish the moment
in open air, its leash

slipped off, the poem sprinting
away into the underbrush,
or into woods thick

with pines and darkness,
through splashes of light,
the hunt on once
again.


V1:
The Hunter

Someone shouts my name
angrily and my heart
pounds like a door knocker

in a brute's fist.
The only time I’m truly calm
is when I’m alone, writing.

My heart settles
into a reassuring rhythm,
as when I'm reading a novel

where those I admire stride casually in
even from centuries away--
often from Vienna, Paris, Venice.

Neruda was happiest
when “hunting” for poems
in the forest. My heart

is most ecstatic when untethered
to the present. I open
a notebook ready

as snow is for paw prints
and my heart leaps like a dog
welcoming its master home,

eager for the promise of a romp.
We both relish the moment
in open air, its leash

slipped off, the poem sprinting
away into the underbrush,
or into woods thick

with pines and darkness,
through splashes of light,
the hunt once again
on.

User avatar
Billy
Posts: 1379
Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

Re: The Hunter

#2 Post by Billy » 17 Apr 2021, 18:12

I always find your writing fun to read with under currents of seriousness. I think I would start with the 2nd stanza, cut first stanza. Just my feeble crit. It’s your poem.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2675
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: The Hunter

#3 Post by BobBradshaw » 18 Apr 2021, 04:06

Thanks, Billy. I think you’re right. I have changed it.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2675
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: The Hunter

#4 Post by BobBradshaw » 28 Apr 2021, 09:27

Tweaked the last line

meenas17
Posts: 822
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: The Hunter

#5 Post by meenas17 » 28 Apr 2021, 19:38

Going away and coming back, a migration of the mind.
meenas17

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