Now I Lay Me

Poets post their works-in-progress here for crit and commentary. We want poets who are serious about getting their work published.
Post Reply
Message
Author
Kenneth2816
Posts: 1619
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Now I Lay Me

#1 Post by Kenneth2816 » 24 Apr 2021, 22:29

As a child I was taught to pray
on knees at bed time
through folded hands,
head bowed at the table,

but always with eyes closed
and I still wonder what it is
God doesn't want us to see.

Michael (MV)
Posts: 2154
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: Now I Lay Me

#2 Post by Michael (MV) » 25 Apr 2021, 11:25

Hi Kenneth,

For your perusal & consideration, these minor modifications, below, which, as I read it, might further nuance this short & dark, terse poem you have written,

and appeals to me like a Willian Blake song of experience.

Re the title: I never realized how it reads without the "down to sleep," which has then prompted me to workshop-suggest bookending the poem with the last 3 words of that familiar from childhood.

😎 Michael (MV)


head bowed at the table,

and always with eyes closed.
And always I still wonder what it is
God doesn't want us to see
down to sleep.

Kenneth2816 wrote:
24 Apr 2021, 22:29
As a child I was taught to pray
on knees at bed time
through folded hands,
head bowed at the table,

but always with eyes closed
and I still wonder what it is
God doesn't want us to see.

capricorn
Posts: 382
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Now I Lay Me

#3 Post by capricorn » 26 Apr 2021, 01:26

This took me back to childhood, Ken, when my grandmother used to say this prayer with me at bedtime. Your poem has given a new slant to saying any prayer - with eyes shut. Always good to read you.
Eira
Kenneth2816 wrote:
24 Apr 2021, 22:29
As a child I was taught to pray
on knees at bed time
through folded hands,
head bowed at the table,

but always with eyes closed
and I still wonder what it is
God doesn't want us to see.
Is 'but' needed in L5?

Post Reply