Holden Relates Moby Dick to his Sister - Final Version

Poets post their works-in-progress here for crit and commentary. We want poets who are serious about getting their work published.
Post Reply
Message
Author
FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Holden Relates Moby Dick to his Sister - Final Version

#1 Post by FranktheFrank » 15 May 2021, 21:43

“It’s about a fugging great whale, Phoebe.
This author is so weird, and you can hardly
understand his sentences, an’ I have to write
a crazy essay on this stuff, it’s way out man,
way out. It’s all about this white sperm whale
called Moby which, rhymes with toby. It’s subliminal,
girl, using them words an’ dick and sperm.”

‘Go on Holden, tell me about it.’

“I dunno iffin I should, Phoebe, you so young
An’ maybe shouldn’t know about these things.”

‘I know about them, Holden. Go on.’

“Well, this fugging whale is hunted, haunted by Ahab
who lost his leg to the Big Dick and now wears
an ivory pegleg. An’ this Ahab rants that the Big Dick
is seeking him out to kill him. An’ the crew roll their eyes,
they’ve heard his crazy rages before.

Then this Ahab hammers a gold piece into the mast,
that ruins the value, don’t it, but they know better
than to mention it. Then I dunno if I should tell
you this part, Phoebe, ole girl, I mean you’re my sister after all.”

‘It’s all okay, Holden, I won’t tell. You know I won’t tell.’

“Okay then. Well, it changes then to this new fella Ishmael.
He’s new to whaling, an’ this Ishmael, makes a friend called
Queequeg, a cannibal harpooner, who sports a top hat
and caries around a razor sharp harpoon. Now this is weird,
these two meet when they share a boarding house bed.
Ishmael wakes to find, in flickering candlelight, seven-foot
Queequeg, standing naked over his bed.
Boy, this author is so far out!”

“The two friend go down to sign on their ship, the Pequod.
But a crazed matelot leaps out from behind some bales
on the wharf out an’ prophesises that the ship is doomed.
A Macbeth raving at Birnam Wood. You know,
that Shakespearian play I tole you about.”

“Queequeg broods about the curse, he takes it to heart.
The ship is struck by St Elmo’s fire Ahab prays
to the god of whale hunters to bless the venture.
The crew snigger. Melville really has it in for Christians
Phoebe, boy is this guy weird. So far out.”

Queequeg goes into a trance. The crew take a morbid interest,
An’ torment him with a knife an’ set Queequeg on fire.
His kōhai, Ishmael, jumps in to save him which brings
Queequeg out of his stupor. But he’s superstitious see,
An’ he’s convinced he’s gonna to die. Then Queequeg
sits up all night to make a watertight coffin.”

“A lookout shouts ‘Thar she blows!’ An’ Ahab launches
all the longboats. The Big Dick is harpooned but fights
back to smash all boats, it crashes into the ship like the Jap
torps that sank the 'Weevie at Pearl', Ahab is entangled
in old ropes and rusty harpoons from past battles with whalers.
He trapped and stuck to the side of the Big Dick.”

“He’s dying, Phoebe, the white whale sees Ahab out of the corner
of his great eye. He breaches one last time an’ Ahab sees his crew
floundering amidst the tossed waves with misting eyes.
The momentum flings Ahab’s arm over as if in farewell
wave an’ Ahab disappears in a death dive.”

“Ishmael struggle sea, find the coffin and hauls himself
up. He hears the cry of his mates and they weakening
cries for help.”

‘It’s okay Holden. It’s just one of those books
The old fogies love to spout about.
You only have to read it once and never again.’

We to read our comics, wrapped up warm under
the red cedar, our place at the zoo.





*****




Holden Tells Phoebe About Melville's Homeric

It’s about a fugging great whale.
Boy is this writer weird with words
like Moby, rhymes with Toby, Dick
and sperm. The Big White Dick is hunted,
haunted by Ahab who displays an ivory peg
where his leg used to be.

Ahab rants to the assembled crew
that the Big Dick seeks to kill him,
the crew roll their eyes, they’ve listened
to his rages before.

Ahab hammers a gold piece into the mast,
that ruins the value, doesn’t it, but they know
better than to mention it.

New to whaling, Ishmael, makes a friend of Queequeg,
a cannibal harpooner, who sports a top hat
and caries around a razor sharp harpoon.
These two meet when they share a boarding
house bed. Ishmael wakes to find, in flickering
candlelight, seven-foot Queequeg, standing
naked over his bed.
Boy, this author is so far out!

Before they board the Pequod, a matelot leaps
out at them on the wharf prophesising
the ship is doomed. A type of Macbeth raving
at Birnam Wood.

This starts Queequeg brooding, he takes the curse to heart.
The ship is struck by St Elmo’s fire and Ahab prays
to the god of whale hunters to bless the venture.
The crew snigger. Melville really has it in for Christians.

This sends Queequeg into a trance.
The crew take a morbid interest, torment
him with a knife. They set Queequeg on fire.
His kōhai, Ishmael, jumps in to save him
which brings Queequeg out of his stupor.
Convinced he is going to die, Queequeg prepares
a watertight coffin for his impending death.

A lookout shouts ‘Thar she blows!’
Ahab launches the longboats.
The Big Dick is harpooned
but fights back to smash all boats,
it crashes into the ship like the Jap
torps that sank the 'Weevie at Pearl',
Ahab is entangled in old ropes and rusty
harpoons from past battles with whalers.

The whale breaches one last time.
Ahab sees his crew floundering amidst
the tossed waves with dying eyes.
The whale's momentum flings his arm
over as if in farewell and Ahab disappears
below the waves in a death dive.

Only Ishmael survives, saved
by the unsinkable coffin.
Ishmael tells the townspeople
of New Bedford of the loss
of their ship, their fortunes, Ahab
the crew and his pal,
his sempai, Queequeg.

Phoebe tells me ‘It’s okay Holden.
It’s just one of those books old fogies
love to spout about. You only have to read
it once and never again.’
We to read our comics
sitting beneath the red cedar,
our place at the zoo.





*****



It’s about a fugging great whale.
Boy is this writer weird with words
like Moby, rhymes with Toby, Dick
and sperm. The Big White Dick is hunted,
haunted by Ahab who displays an ivory peg
where his leg used to be.

Ahab rants to the assembled crew
that the Big Dick seeks to kill him,
the crew roll their eyes, they’ve listened
to his rages before.

Ahab hammers a gold piece into the mast,
that ruins the value, doesn’t it, but they know
better than to mention it.

New to whaling, Ishmael, makes a friend of Queequeg,
a cannibal harpooner, who sports a top hat
and caries around a razor sharp harpoon.
These two meet when they share a boarding
house bed. Ishmael wakes to find, in flickering
candlelight, seven-foot Queequeg, standing
naked over his bed.
Boy, this author is so far out!

Before they board the Pequod, a matelot leaps
out at them on the wharf prophesising
the ship is doomed. A type of Macbeth raving
at Birnam Wood.

This starts Queequeg brooding, he takes the curse to heart.
The ship is struck by St Elmo’s fire and Ahab prays
to the god of whale hunters to bless the venture.
The crew snigger. Melville really has it in for Christians.

This eyrie event propels Queequeg off into a trance.
The crew take a morbid interest and cruelly
torment him with a knife. They set Queequeg on fire.
His kōhai, Ishmael, jumps in to save him
which rings Queequeg out of his stupor.
Convinced he is going to die, Queequeg prepares
a watertight coffin for his impending death.

A lookout shouts ‘Thar she blows!’ Ahab launches
all the longboats. The Big Dick is harpooned
but fights back to smash the longboats
and sinks the Pequod. Ahab is entangled
by multiple ropes and spent harpoons
from past battles with whalers.

Ahab is trapped, but as the whale takes
him beneath the sea, his body waves
mysteriously with one arm to the strugglng
crew. Ahab disappears below the waves
with the whale in its death dive.

Only Ishmael survives, saved
by Queequeg’s unsinkable coffin.
Ishmael relates his story to the townspeople
of New Bedford, breaking the news of the loss
of their ship, of their fortunes, of Ahab
and the crew and his pal, his sempai, Queequeg.

Phoebe tells me ‘It’s okay Holden.
It’s just one of those book the old fogies
love to spout about. You only have to read it once
and never again.’ We continue to read our comics
sitting beneath the red cedar
at our favourite place at the zoo.






*****




It’s about a fugging great whale, but it’s odd,
the theme being; Moby, Dick and sperm.
Big Dick is peppered in harpoons and lengths of rope
like a sewing box tossed onto the quayside.
It’s not about a small country, but of a fish trying
to kill Ahab, the captain. It’s already taken
a chunk out of the captain’s leg on a previous voyage.

Ahab rants that the big Dick wants to kill him.
The crew roll their eyes; they’ve heard crazed
captains rave before. Ahab plants a gold piece
into the mast, nails it there with a whacking blow
that ruins the value, don’t it, but they know better
than to mention it to him.

Ishmael, a friend of Queequeg, a cannibal harpooner,
who sports a top hat and never without a razor-sharp
harpoon, who takes a liking to Ishmael who’s on his maiden
voyage, and adopts him as his kōhai. These two first meet
in a boarding-house shared bed, Ishmael sees seven
foot tall Queequeg rise from the bed, naked
save for his blue ink body tattoos, it frightens the life
out young Ishmael by the poor flickering candle light.
Boy, does this writer get weird.

Before they sail, a crazed matelot jumps out from behind
some bales on the wharf and prophesises that the ship
is doomed like Macbeth raving about Birnam Wood.
This starts Queequeg brooding, an’ he believes in this curse.
Soon after, Ahab plays with St Elmo’s fire when it rests
on the masts of the whaler. Ahab prays to the god of whale
hunters to bless the venture. The crew struggle to suppress
their sniggers. Melville really has it in for Christians.

Queequeg goes into a trance, he stops eating, fails to respond
to Ishmael's pleas. The crew take a morbid interest, torment
the vulnerable native. One of the crew sets him on fire.
Ishmael, jumps in to save his friend. Queequeg comes out
of his stupor. He constructs a watertight coffin ready
for his impending death. At last, Ahab finds the big Dick,
agitated, he addressing the crew in New Bedford speke
and raves in a religious mania. He chases after the whale
in a longboat. Ahab fatally it, but before it dies Moby Dick sinks
Ahab’s boat and his ship. The last the crew see of Ahab
is of his body tied to the whale, one arm waving mysteriously
at the crew as the white whale goes down in its death dive.

All the crew drown. But saved by Queequeg’s unsinkable
coffin, Ishmael relates the tale to the townspeople
of New Bedford: of the loss of their ship, their fortunes,
of Ahab, and his crew, all lost only Ishmael survives
thanks to his special pal and sempai, Queequeg.

End





******




It’s about a whale, its fugging huge, the size of it!
But odd, don’t you think, Moby, Dick and sperm
as a theme. This writer is sure suppressed.
Dick is peppered in harpoons and lengths of rope,
like a sewing box tossed onto the quayside.
It’s not about a small country, but a fugging big fish
that’s trying to kill Ahab, the captain.
He’s taken a chunk out of the captain’s leg.
Ahab rants that the big Dick wants to kill him.
The crew roll their eyes; they’ve heard nutcase captains before,
but Ahab takes the cake. He plants a gold piece in the mast,
nails it there with a whacking blow. That ruins the value
don’t it, but they know better than to tell him.

The story is told by a boy called Ishmael, he speaks
of his friend Queequeg, a cannibal, who wears a top hat
and carries around a razor sharp harpoon. He takes a liking
to Ishmael on his maiden voyage, adopts him as senpai.
These two met in bed, a naked native and a young man,
boy does this writer get weird.

Before they sail, a crazed matelot jumps out from behind
some bales on the wharf and tell them that the ship is doomed.
He prophesises like a Macbeth raving at Birnam Wood.
This starts Queequeg brooding, an’ he believes in the curse
of the matelot after Ahab uses St Elmo’s fire when it rests
on his harpoon. Ahab prays to the god of whale hunters
to bless the venture, to the discomfiture of the crew.
Melville really has it in for Christians and portrays
them as men gone mad.

After the St Elmo’s fire Queequeg goes into a trance-like state,
he stops eating and responding. The crew take a morbid interest
and stick a blade into him with no response and one tries to set
him on fire. His kōhai, Ishmael, jumps in to stop the bullying.
Queequeg comes out of his stupor. He makes a watertight coffin.
The big Dick shows up; Ahab, agitated, raves in New Bedford speke
and religious stuff and chases the fish in a longboat
and fatally harpoons the whale. Before he dies, the big Dick sinks
Ahab’s boat and his ship and the last we see of Ahab is of him waving,
on the face of it, to the crew as he goes down in a death dive.
Ishmael is saved by the unsinkable coffin;
and is the only survivor to narrate this tale.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Night-School Student’s Essay on Melville’s Homeric

#2 Post by BobBradshaw » 15 May 2021, 22:49

Welcome back! Where have you been?

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Night-School Student’s Essay on Melville’s Homeric

#3 Post by BobBradshaw » 16 May 2021, 06:06

It’s a clever concept, a student writing cliff notes on a famous novel. And I like the touches of humor, as in these lines

He plants a gold piece in the mast,
nails it there with a whacking blow. That ruins the value
don’t it, but they know better than to tell him.

Nonetheless, it lacks the wallop I wanted from such an ambitious topic. The rough, slow rhythm clogs the poem’s flow.

I like the “voice” of the student. It feels authentic. I think it’s a draft with promise. But it needs to be honed with concise language and active verbs.

It’s good to hear your voice again. I look forward to many fine pieces from you.

I can’t leave off without asking, do you know what’s happened with Bernie? We miss his presence terribly and wish him well.

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Night-School Student’s Essay on Melville’s Homeric

#4 Post by FranktheFrank » 16 May 2021, 10:25

Hi Bob, thank you.

Likewise, it is good to see your work again.

I have no information on our mutual friend, there is no reply to my last mail
and I respect his wish for privacy. It could be he has moved on and I don't
have a forwarding address, sorry.

I wholly agree with your sentiments about him.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Holden Caulfield's Essay on Melville’s Homeric - v2

#5 Post by BobBradshaw » 17 May 2021, 09:48

Better. The rhythm's improved. The flow better. Still, it's too wordy and in need of action spilling into more action.

For example, "it frightens the life
out young Ishmael"...

Don't tell us it frightens him...show us through his body language, an image. A tightened throat. Trembling legs. A rush to retch?

And end it in an unexpected way, something that lifts the poem to the next level. I don't have a clue what that would be. Surprise the narrator.

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Holden Caulfield's Essay on Melville’s Homeric - v3

#6 Post by FranktheFrank » 17 May 2021, 14:30

Thanks Bob for an in-depth analysis, much appreciated.
I have done a quick re-run and added more active verbs and cut the wordiness
and taken up your suggestion of a denouement.
Hope it works.

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Holden Caulfield's Essay on Melville’s Homeric - v3

#7 Post by FranktheFrank » 19 May 2021, 20:43

Hickup.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Holden Caulfield's Essay on Melville’s Homeric - v3

#8 Post by BobBradshaw » 19 May 2021, 21:20

It is much improved. I would still look to trim, trim, trim. Don’t tell us what is happening. Show us,. Put us there.
For example, these lines:

Only Ishmael survives, saved
by Queequeg’s unsinkable coffin.

Give us images instead of Ishmael clinging to the coffin, the choppy waves, etc.

I like your new approach for the close, the drawing back.

Post Reply