My Brother Somu

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RamanathanSiva
Posts: 127
Joined: 28 Aug 2020, 23:11

My Brother Somu

#1 Post by RamanathanSiva » 19 May 2021, 20:31

When you were born
you were a treasure-
when you went to school
my friends picked you up on their hips-
when you came to Standard 4
you left the convent
for a boy’s school.

It was only when I came to 10 plus two
I wished you away
I was painting red the city with boys
and I thought you would spy on me
so how convenient it was
when you were sent to Erode to study.

Plotting was easy for our uncles
it was all there in your horoscope
that you could join their family business.

Remembering our pillow fights
and finding out about the conniving
I had you brought back to TVM.

Who else was there to look after her?
You always had a softer corner
grinding wet flour or scrubbing
the burnt milk pan.

It was only when Amma swallowed sleeping pills
we realized we needed each other
to do day duty and night duty.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: My Brother Somu

#2 Post by BobBradshaw » 19 May 2021, 21:12

Good poem. I like S2 the best. An honest N makes this poem very enjoyable. The jealousy and sense of competition comes through well.

I'm confused by "10 plus two". Could you either make it clearer or leave a note at the bottom of the poem? I assume TVM is a school?

A couple small suggestions. First, I would replace "treasure" by something less common. I like the anaphora of "when" in S1. The "-" should be "--".

Second, I would either put a period after hips and make the last "when" the beginning of a new sentence or add "and" before the last "when".

Finally, and I have mixed feelings about this, I would consider taking out the last line and ending the poem on "we realized we needed each other".
If you keep the last line, take out one "duty"...i.e., day and night duty.

Enjoyed, Siva....

Michael (MV)
Posts: 2154
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: My Brother Somu

#3 Post by Michael (MV) » 20 May 2021, 10:48

Hi Siva,

Workshop-share for your perusal & consideration -- Michael (MV)

When you were born
you were a treasure-
when you started school,
my friends rode you on their hips-
then you came to Standard 4
and left the convent
for a boy’s school.

By the time I came to 10 plus two,
I wished you away. I was painting
the town red with boys,
and I thought you would spy on me.
How convenient, when you were enrolled
to go study in Erode.

Plotting your future
came easy for our uncles -
it was all there in your horoscope
that you could join their family business.

Remembering our pillow fights,
and finding out about the plans
they had made for you,
I intervened, and arranged for you
to be brought back to TVM.

Who else was there to look after her?
You always had a softer side -
grinding wet flour, or scrubbing
the burnt milk pan.

Only when Amma
swallowed sleeping pills
did we realized how we needed
each other to do double duty.

RamanathanSiva
Posts: 127
Joined: 28 Aug 2020, 23:11

Re: My Brother Somu

#4 Post by RamanathanSiva » 20 May 2021, 22:55

When you were born
you were a curiosity---
when you started school,
my friends rode you on their hips-
then you came to Standard 4
and left the convent
for a boy’s school.

By the time I came to Pre-Degree,
I wished you away. I was painting
the town red with boys,
and I thought you would spy on me.
How convenient, when you were enrolled
to go study in Erode.

Plotting your future
came easy for our uncles -
it was all there in your horoscope
that you could join their family business.

Remembering our pillow fights,
and finding out about the plans
they had made for you,
I intervened and arranged for you
to be brought back to Trivandrum.

Who else was there to look after her?
You always had a softer side -
grinding wet flour, or scrubbing
the burnt milk pan.

Only when Amma
swallowed sleeping pills
did we realized how we needed
each other to do double duty.

(I am not able to edit in the poem itself)

RamanathanSiva
Posts: 127
Joined: 28 Aug 2020, 23:11

Re: My Brother Somu

#5 Post by RamanathanSiva » 20 May 2021, 22:59

Thank you, Bob and Michael.
for reading and suggesting edits.
I am not able to edit the poem itself.
Siva

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