In My Next Life I Want To Return as an Animal

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BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

In My Next Life I Want To Return as an Animal

#1 Post by BobBradshaw » 21 May 2021, 08:41

v2:

In My Next Life I Want To Return as an Animal


I'd not be a camel,
though each morning the sun
breaks over his hump. Where's the glory
in carrying your baggage?

Maybe a Bengal tiger
sprawled on your Persian rug,
daring boyfriends
to call on you.

Or perhaps a gator
-- big rudder of a tail
patrolling your pool,

discouraging poolside parties
and skinny dipping.

The chameleon in me wants to return
as a gecko on your wall,
eavesdropping on hints
of yet another lover in your life.

Truth is, I long to return
as a howler monkey
belting out my heartache
whenever you walk by.


v1:
In My Next Life I Want To Return as an Animal


I'd not be a camel,
though each morning the sun
breaks over his hump. What glory
in carrying your baggage?

Maybe a Bengal tiger
sprawled on your Persian rug,
preventing boyfriends
calling on you.

Or perhaps a gator
-- big rudder of a tail
patrolling your pool,

discouraging poolside parties
and skinny dipping.

The chameleon in me wants to return
as a gecko on your wall,
eavesdropping on hints
of yet another lover in your life.

Truth is, I long to return as a howler monkey
belting out my heartache
whenever you walk
by.

Michael (MV)
Posts: 2154
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: In My Next Life I Want To Return as an Animal

#2 Post by Michael (MV) » 22 May 2021, 22:20

 
Hi Bob,

Enjoyed this entertaining, imaginative love poem. Primal, but ultimately not animal, by virtue of the finale.


3 Workshop-shares:

1/ abbreviate the title, and let title lead-in as the 1st line of poem -

In my next life I want to return

not as a camel.
Though each morning the sun breaks
over his hump, where's the glory
in carrying your baggage?


2/
discouraging boyfriends
calling on you


3/
Truth is, I long to return
as a howler monkey
belting out my heartache
whenever you pass by.



anima over animal

8)

Michael (MV)

 
 

 
 

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: In My Next Life I Want To Return as an Animal

#3 Post by BobBradshaw » 23 May 2021, 09:40

Thx, Michael. I made a couple changes per your ideas. Best

Michael (MV)
Posts: 2154
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: In My Next Life I Want To Return as an Animal

#4 Post by Michael (MV) » 24 May 2021, 17:51

Hi Bob,

I like your revise, the choice of "daring":

"daring boyfriends
to call on you."

^^ In my workshop-share, I overlooked that "discouraging" makes an appearance in a later stanza.


😎

Michael (MV)

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: In My Next Life I Want To Return as an Animal

#5 Post by BobBradshaw » 24 May 2021, 23:56

As always, Michael, I appreciate your comments. Bob

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