Loon

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BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Loon

#1 Post by BobBradshaw » 10 Jul 2021, 02:17

v2:
Loon


We had never been a couple, my hopes
of romance with her one-sided.

Now here she was back in the city,
passing through in all likelihood

to San Diego or maybe L.A.
She was available for coffee chats,

but she would never talk for longer
than half an hour. Predictably she disappeared

again into the air, headed out of SFO
while I foolishly watched—my chance

of romance fading like a wail
of a single loon on isolated waters.



v1:
Loon


When I hear the loon’s wail as dusk deepens
I sense the briefness of an Arctic summer,

its call haunting like a wolf’s
when separated from its pack.

The loon desperate cries for his mate
to answer back, to know where she is.

For years I hadn’t seen Beth—
flown off to Boston.

We had never been a couple, my hopes
of romance with her one-sided.

Finally I had accepted that, my friends
calling me crazy as a loon, to have ever

pursued her. Now here she was back again,
passing through in all likelihood

to San Diego or maybe L.A.
She was available for coffee chats,

but she would never talk for longer
than half an hour. Predictably she disappeared

again into the air, headed out of SFO
while I foolishly watched—my chance

of romance fading like a wail
of a single loon on isolated waters--

its cries answered by a numbing silence,
the frigid upwelling of deep waters.

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Loon

#2 Post by FranktheFrank » 10 Jul 2021, 13:16

I like, good draft, and interesting metaphor
comparing the loon's call with unrequited love.
I feel you have overstated your case somewhat at the last few stanzas.
Trim a little?

Code: Select all

When I hear 
The loon’s wail as dusk deepens
my sense [of] the briefness of an Arctic summer,

its call haunting like a wolf

Code: Select all

when
separated from its pack.

You could trim almost every line.

But I like this one.

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1619
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Loon

#3 Post by Kenneth2816 » 10 Jul 2021, 14:28

Much agree with Frank. Once you set up the premise, it's not necessary to keep repeating it.

Last four lines should be reduced to one impactful line.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Loon

#4 Post by BobBradshaw » 10 Jul 2021, 19:59

Thanks, guys. I will remove the last 2 lines.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Loon

#5 Post by BobBradshaw » 12 Jul 2021, 06:25

Thx for the advice...I have removed the next to last stanza.

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Loon

#6 Post by FranktheFrank » 13 Jul 2021, 00:42

It is still far too wordy, Bob.
Sorry to say.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Loon

#7 Post by BobBradshaw » 13 Jul 2021, 01:13

Thx, Frank. Could you point out the part that is wordy?

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Loon

#8 Post by BobBradshaw » 14 Jul 2021, 08:52

Ok, trimmed more. Let me know... thx

Michael (MV)
Posts: 2154
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: Loon

#9 Post by Michael (MV) » 25 Jul 2021, 09:37

Hi Bob,


Comma after "her" -

We had never been a couple, my hopes
of romance with her, one-sided.


The adverb"Predictably" is more tell than show - maybe the last as (and to save theat image of lone wolf) -

but she would never talk for longer
than half an hour - then again vanished

with runway air, while I futility watched
my chance of romance - a wolf separated from its pack -

fading like a wail of a single loon on isolated waters.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Loon

#10 Post by BobBradshaw » 28 Jul 2021, 19:22

Thx, Michael, for your workshopping. Appreciate it.

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