She Passed

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Billy
Posts: 1126
Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

She Passed

#1 Post by Billy » 22 Sep 2021, 01:45

Revised 3:

She Passed
for Milena

They found her at 11:45 this morning.
She didn’t answer the phone when her
daughter called, so Tom, a nearby friend,
checked on her. A few others sensed
it was close. Irina and Jiling dreamed
the night before that she was young again,
in a black dress sitting in a new house.
She had talked about having a new house
in the Kingdom. This last year she had
prepared for this day, constant prayers,
serving the community as never before,
now unburdened by time and the world.
She had always loved Baha’u’llah, yet
asked for prayers for steadfastness, not
wanting to be one of those who faltered
in the face of death, living alone, not
wanting to be a trouble to anyone. Head
on bed, kneeling, prayer book in rigid hand,
prayer beads in the other, her eternal
posture of supplication living and dying.




Revised:

She Passed
for Milena

They found her at 11:45 this morning.
She didn’t answer the phone when her
daughter called, so Tom, a nearby friend,
checked on her. A few others sensed

it was close. Irina and Jiling dreamed
the night before that she was young again,
in a black dress sitting in a new house.
She had talked about having a new house

in the Kingdom. This last year she had
prepared for this day, constant prayers,
serving the community as never before,
now unburdened by time and the world.

She had always loved Baha’u’llah, yet
asked for prayers for steadfastness, not
wanting to be one of those who faltered
in the face of death, living alone, not

wanting to be a trouble to anyone. Head
on bed, kneeling, prayer book in rigid hand,
prayer beads in the other, her eternal
posture of supplication living and dying.



She Passed

They found her at 11:45 this morning.
She didn’t answer the phone, so Tom
checked on her. She and others sensed
it was close. Irina and Jling dreamed

the night before that she was young again,
in a black dress sitting in a new house.
She had talked about having a new house
in the Kingdom. This last year she had

prepared for this day, constant prayers,
serving the community as never before.
She had always loved Baha’u’llah, yet
asked for prayers for steadfastness, not

wanting to be one of those who faltered
in the face of death. Living alone, not
wanting to be a trouble to anyone. Head
on bed, kneeling, prayer book in rigid hand.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1972
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: She’s Passed

#2 Post by BobBradshaw » 22 Sep 2021, 05:40

Good poem. We see the woman clearly. No nits.

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Billy
Posts: 1126
Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

Re: She Passed

#3 Post by Billy » 22 Sep 2021, 21:08

Thanks Tom, I revised.

FranktheFrank
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Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: She Passed

#4 Post by FranktheFrank » 22 Sep 2021, 22:10

The title needs attention, is it too plain, too telling?
I like the theme.

I find it wordy.

I would go for minimalist in this, against my grain normally, but her it could be shortened.

Irina was found mid morning
by Tom her neighbour.

We'd sensed the end was close
but not this close.
We'd dreamed she was sitting in a new house
wearing a black dress, young again.

She'd prepared for this day
in prayer and in serving.
She loved Baha'ullah,
she asked for prayer
for steadfastness.

Not wanting to falter
when facing death.

She lived alone,
self-sufficient to the end.
Tom found her in the kneeling position
prayer book in her stiffened hands.


That's the way I would write it.
Your choice of course.
In the spirit of workshopping.

I find the poem so true to life and death for a believer.

Did Tom make the comment?

User avatar
Billy
Posts: 1126
Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

Re: She Passed

#5 Post by Billy » 22 Sep 2021, 23:51

Thanks all

I like the way it is. It’s more personal and I’m not looking to publication or nominations.

I only revised to add a couple of important details.

Michael (MV)
Posts: 1886
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: She Passed

#6 Post by Michael (MV) » 25 Sep 2021, 04:05

Hi Billy,

Seems you posted a version without stanza breaks & white space. A prose poem paragraph. The line breaks were the same - again if I recall correctly. And that format was effective, like a narrative passage as a surrogate obituary.


Serendipitous(poetic coincidence):

On the same day shortly before I read this, I also happened upon a quote by Billy Graham:

"My home is in Heaven. I'm just traveling through this world."

I readily related because in the about last 5 years, I have come to perceive that I have been camping here temporarily, waiting to receive my Miracle Lift to Our Father's Home.

Then, I find your poem with this kindred line:

"She had talked about having a new house

in the Kingdom"


I like when I receive comforting reassurance in that Providential way


Perhaps that Billy Graham quote would be at home, serving as a superscript, epigraph for your poem


8)

Michael (MV)

Billy wrote:
22 Sep 2021, 01:45
Revised:

She Passed
for Milena

They found her at 11:45 this morning.
She didn’t answer the phone when her
daughter called, so Tom, a nearby friend,
checked on her. A few others sensed

it was close. Irina and Jiling dreamed
the night before that she was young again,
in a black dress sitting in a new house.
She had talked about having a new house

in the Kingdom. This last year she had
prepared for this day, constant prayers,
serving the community as never before,
now unburdened by time and the world.

She had always loved Baha’u’llah, yet
asked for prayers for steadfastness, not
wanting to be one of those who faltered
in the face of death, living alone, not

wanting to be a trouble to anyone. Head
on bed, kneeling, prayer book in rigid hand,
prayer beads in the other, her eternal
posture of supplication living and dying.



She Passed

They found her at 11:45 this morning.
She didn’t answer the phone, so Tom
checked on her. She and others sensed
it was close. Irina and Jling dreamed

the night before that she was young again,
in a black dress sitting in a new house.
She had talked about having a new house
in the Kingdom. This last year she had

prepared for this day, constant prayers,
serving the community as never before.
She had always loved Baha’u’llah, yet
asked for prayers for steadfastness, not

wanting to be one of those who faltered
in the face of death. Living alone, not
wanting to be a trouble to anyone. Head
on bed, kneeling, prayer book in rigid hand.

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1595
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: She Passed

#7 Post by FranktheFrank » 27 Sep 2021, 23:09

I echo Michael's remarks regarding the Kingdom.
I hadn't focused on it as maybe I should have when reading first.
And of course I agree regarding the temporary nature of our stay.

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Billy
Posts: 1126
Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

Re: She Passed

#8 Post by Billy » 28 Sep 2021, 04:06

Thanks Michael and Frank

Michael, I think you are right about putting the poem back as one, no stanza breaks.

I did have an epigram at one time but left it off. I may put it back.

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1406
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: She Passed

#9 Post by Kenneth2816 » 29 Sep 2021, 03:05

I think it's beautiful. We are poets. We react with words when things happen to us. Sometimes the words are just for us.

Good on you for standing your ground

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