Non on Bike

Poets post their works-in-progress here for crit and commentary. We want poets who are serious about getting their work published.
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FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Non on Bike

#1 Post by FranktheFrank » 08 Oct 2021, 17:46

Non at the Bridge

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Crossing the Bridge

#2 Post by BobBradshaw » 08 Oct 2021, 21:45

Well done!

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1619
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Nona at the Bridge

#3 Post by Kenneth2816 » 10 Oct 2021, 05:42

What form a this?

Michael (MV)
Posts: 2154
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: Nona at the Bridge

#4 Post by Michael (MV) » 10 Oct 2021, 18:36

Reads like a pantoum, or variation of a pantoum.

The form here is in service to the anticipation of waiting.


😎

Michael (MV)

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1619
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Nona at the Bridge

#5 Post by Kenneth2816 » 10 Oct 2021, 22:46

In college, we had half a semester on forms. In practicality, none of them Interest me as a writer.

Poetry is complicated enough without the stricture.

Michael (MV)
Posts: 2154
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: Nona at the Bridge

#6 Post by Michael (MV) » 11 Oct 2021, 17:21

1/ 3rd from last line:

should "agin" be again?


2/ 3rd stanza:

"weir" twice - find a different word for one.

^^ Might even consider

"Foam from the weir sprays onto her hair."

as

Foam and sunlight spray about her locks


😎

Michael (MV)

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Nona at the Bridge

#7 Post by FranktheFrank » 12 Oct 2021, 01:46

Thanks Michael
I appreciate these tips on things we miss so easily.

Agin is vernacular for again.

I will use thus:

The wind whipping water up from the weir.
Proud, standing tall in red-knitted cardigan.
Frothing white foam sprays onto her hair.
Non' stands sedate, top button undone.

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Billy
Posts: 1384
Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

Re: Nona at the Bridge

#8 Post by Billy » 12 Oct 2021, 08:33

Well, I like this. It's very sensuous and there's a palpable physical longing.

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Non at Bridge or Cycling Across Bridge

#9 Post by FranktheFrank » 02 Nov 2021, 03:06

FranktheFrank wrote:
08 Oct 2021, 17:46
Non at Bridge

Alternative title:

Cycling Across Bridge
by Ieuan ap Hywel
Pantoum

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Non at Bridge or Cycling Across Bridge

#10 Post by BobBradshaw » 02 Nov 2021, 05:56

Either title works. It’s such a good, sweet piece. Lovely to read again.

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