Disappearing

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BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Disappearing

#1 Post by BobBradshaw » 15 Apr 2022, 02:38

v2:
Disappearing

I’m almost speechless
trying to describe you. Groovy's
as weak a word invoking you

as a sparkler is mimicking fireworks,
which is what you always were, lighting
my heart as if it were the night sky.

I haven’t seen or heard from you
in decades. These days I’m left
with only work: morning glories,
brittle as parchment paper
to cut down

and the long branches
of roses to be lifted gently
as skyward as possible
without breaking them.

No woman aside from you
has defied my love
like these haughty roses.
My arms sleeved in scratches.




v1:
Disappearing

Nearly everyone I adored
has gone the way of 60s slang:
a happening, bug out, the fuzz,

till I’m almost speechless
trying to describe you. Groovy's
as weak a word invoking you

as a sparkler is mimicking fireworks,
which is what you always were, lighting
my heart as if it were the night sky.

I haven’t seen or heard from you
in decades. These days I’m left
with only work: morning glories,
brittle as parchment paper
to cut down

and the long branches
of roses to be lifted gently
as skyward as possible
without breaking them.

No woman aside from you
has defied my love
like these haughty roses.
My arms sleeved in scratches.

They remind me of times
I never wanted to let you go
from my arms.

You were light as a wren,
and releasing you
felt as if I might set you aloft
—where you would grow
smaller and smaller
till you too were no longer
visible.

User avatar
Billy
Posts: 1384
Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

Re: Disappearing

#2 Post by Billy » 18 Apr 2022, 21:51

I love this whole poem except the final stanza is not enough, at least, not this first reading.
Maybe I just need to read again.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Disappearing

#3 Post by BobBradshaw » 19 Apr 2022, 08:15

Thanks, Billy

capricorn
Posts: 382
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Disappearing

#4 Post by capricorn » 21 Apr 2022, 01:13

Love this one, Bob, especially

My arms sleeved in scratches. - so visual.

The last stanza

You were light as a wren,
and releasing you
felt as if I might set you aloft
—where you would grow
smaller and smaller
till you too were no longer
visible.

I presume this refers to releasing the metaphoric wren who grows smaller & smaller disappearing into the distance. Perhaps 'set you aloft' might better as something like 'let you fly' or 'set you free'. I'm not sure.

Only a small thought about a wonderful poem.
Eira

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Disappearing

#5 Post by BobBradshaw » 23 Apr 2022, 20:04

Thanks, Eira

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1619
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Disappearing

#6 Post by Kenneth2816 » 28 Apr 2022, 15:21

Bob, I've written this poem. To me it meanders a bit and the reference to letting a bird go is too stale in comparison to the balance of the poem.

Let it marinate. It seems one long in the making.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Disappearing

#7 Post by BobBradshaw » 28 Apr 2022, 19:59

Thanks, Ken

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Disappearing

#8 Post by BobBradshaw » 28 Apr 2022, 20:10

Maybe lopping off some stanzas will help. Revised.

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1619
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Disappearing

#9 Post by Kenneth2816 » 29 Apr 2022, 01:42

Reads much better

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