Izyum South of Karkiv

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FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Izyum South of Karkiv

#1 Post by FranktheFrank » 21 Apr 2022, 23:23

Diptych - Ekphrastic

Ukraine war: World Health Organisation says attacks on health facilities are rising daily - BBC News
By Jim Reed - Health reporter - Published 26 March 2022


I'm visiting Mam at Caerdydd
University Hospital. She's been
a patient ever since Dad slipped away
into dementia. She talks about her stones
among a tangle of tubes. It eases her pain
to relate her life-story again. Opposite,
an old lady, with white candy-floss hair,
bobs and beams, talking non-stop.
Her son, sits listening dutifully,
his mind on Sunday's sermon.
A nurse tells me he's Presbyterian,
as if to explain his embarrassment
at his mother's obvious devotion.

I watch the TV news as Mam dozes off.
‘We’ll keep going,’ a nurse tells a BBC's reporter,
'Until everything runs out, until the enemy arrives.'
A bandaged combatant writhes in pain, his jerky
movements at every sound suggests shell-shock.
Other patients tremble at the crump of mortars
in the distance. Doctors, pass-by, feigning detachment,
nerves taut, stretched to the limit like razor-wire.
Ambulances, vans, and cars continue to unburden
their cares into corridors stained
red like a Boca Ciega Bay tide.

End
*****



******


A newly refurbished hospital, south of Karkiv, lies
in tatters. Its concourse, a tangled mass of rolled
steel-joists twisted into a crazy helter-skelter
of blackened structural spars. An architect's recurring
dream, where unlike King Midas, his work is reduced
to ashes rather than burnished gold.
‘We’ll keep going,’ a nurse tells the BBC's reporter,
'Until everything runs out, until the enemy arrives.'
A bandaged combatant writhes in pain, his mind
weakened, shell-shocked. Patients tremble at the crump
of mortars in the distance. Doctors, pass-by feigning
detachment, their nerves stretched like barbed
wire. Ambulances, vans, and cars continue
to unburden their cares into corridors awash with blood.

Mother loves my visits. She's at Caerdydd
University Hospital. Where she's been
A patient since Dad slipped away
into dementia. I can’t find a place to park
at the Gateway, it chock-a-block full.
I scutter across the A48 to park
on double yellow lines. We talk
about about her stones among a tangle
of tubes. It eases her pain to tell
me her life-story again. Opposite, an old lady,
with white candy-floss hair, bobs and beams
and talks non-stop. Her son sits, listening
dutifully, his mind on his next sermon.
A nurse tells me he's Presbyterian, as if it explains
the embarrassment he feels of her feebleness.

There are no bombs falling here. We are insulated
from the travails of war, the developing carnage
that is consuming a distant country. A country
we wouldn't have known except for daily
video clips.

*****
Note, Ukraine war: WHO says attacks on health facilities are rising daily - BBC News
Ukraine war: WHO says attacks on health facilities are rising daily
By Jim Reed
Health reporter - Published 26 March



*****


South of Karkiv the newly refurbished hospital
Lies in tatters. Its new concourse a tangled mass of metal
Spars, twisted like some crazy helter-skelter.
The nightmare for an architect to see his work mangled
Like the bodies inside, broken bones and minds.
Patients tremble at each boom in the distance.
Doctors pass by the ward trying to look detached.
How can they, as ambulances, vans, and cars continue
To unburden their cares into the corridors.
‘We’ll keep going,’ a nurse tells a reporter from the BBC
Until the bandages run out, until the Russians arrive.

Mother loves my visits
at Caerdydd University Hospital.
Where she has been for some time
ever since Dad had contracted dementia.
I can’t find a place to park at the Gateway
As it is already chock-a-block with cars
And cross the A48 to park illegally
on double yellow lines at Whitchurch Road.
We exchange pleasantries about her stones,
plasma and pain. I sit back and listen
as she trots through her life-story.

The woman to her left, dying, her husband
trying to revive her with kisses. Opposite,
an old lady, with white candy-floss
hair, bobs and beams and talks non-stop.
Her son sits silently, listening as if a duty.
A nurse tells me he is a Presbyterian pastor,
He is embarrassed she loves him so much.

I pop across to say hello. It’s hard works
as pastors keep themselves from the world.
Pastors can become detached from reality.
It would have been nice to chat about soteriology.
I liked his mother even if she was potty,
a sweetie nevertheless. There are no bombs falling
Here. We are insulated from the travails of war,
the carnage in a distant country we hardly know.

******

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Diptych at Izyum

#2 Post by BobBradshaw » 22 Apr 2022, 06:29

It's very hard to write powerfully about war. The images on the nightly screen are so familiar. The first 5 lines don't carry the impact they need for that reason. I do like the line " Doctors pass by the ward trying to look detached."

I like stanza three the best. These lines are very effective:

Her son sits silently, listening as if a duty.
A nurse tells me he is a Presbyterian pastor,
He is embarrassed she loves him so much.

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Diptych at Izyum - edited

#3 Post by FranktheFrank » 22 Apr 2022, 20:27

Thanks Bob, I've edited.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Diptych at Izyum - edited

#4 Post by BobBradshaw » 23 Apr 2022, 05:09

Improved. A suggestion, to use or toss out. Start the poem at the line “We’ll keep going…”.

Consider dropping these lines…are they crucial in some way to the poem?

I can’t find a place to park
at the Gateway, it chock-a-block full.
I scutter across the A48 to park
on double yellow lines.

The last stanza feels like just a summary. It doesn’t punch you in the gut.

Or…Here’s an unusual piece of advice… considering a poem is fictional and doesn’t pledge loyalty to facts…
Right now the piece feels disconnected, as if S1 and S2 should be in different poems. So try this… throw out S3, begin the poem with S2, and follow with S1 beginning at “We’ll keep going…”. Merge the 2 hospitals into the same hospital to give a more visceral impact. Nutty? Maybe so.

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Diptych at Izyum -Edited to meet Bob's suggestions

#5 Post by FranktheFrank » 23 Apr 2022, 14:10

Thank you, Bob. Have posted 3rd edit.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Diptych at Izyum -Edited to meet Bob's suggestions

#6 Post by BobBradshaw » 23 Apr 2022, 19:51

Ieuan, this is good! So much better. Your talent shines through now. There's an emotional impact that wasn't there before.

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