Sea Fever

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FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Sea Fever

#1 Post by FranktheFrank » 01 May 2022, 14:09

Diptych
I Must go Down to the sea Again -John Masefield

Orders from the Chief Eng.,
The bilge pump packing needs replacing
The lignum vitae stern gland is worn
sea water is flooding the bilges
It needs adjusting, stem the flow.
The Sec. had lost part of an index finger
the ship had rolled, the piston moved
Shearing the digit. Dr. Joseph-Ignace Guillotin
Would have been proud of such efficiency.
It's hot down here, noisy and smelling
of foul, black bunkering oil. I think
of Penny above on the starboard deck.

Amidships, she lies face down on a towel
My eyes like to linger on her bronzed body.
The roaring forties lift the liner to the peak
of a swell then dips to the trough.
The breeze ruffles strands of her blond
diaphanous hair, translucent cilia worshipping
the sun. In the morning, after my watch,
I shall happen to pass by and say,
'Hello.' She will turn to look up at me,
to greet me. I shall introduce myself
and gaze on her ravishing face.
I shall surrender, trapped in this helpless
and happy estate.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Sea Fever

#2 Post by BobBradshaw » 02 May 2022, 20:02

I would try to tie the 2 stanzas together. Maybe make the narrator of S1 "I" and then segue with a phrase into the 2nd stanza. Maybe something about not losing his confidence? There is nice, tight writing in this.

I know what a "poop" deck is, but using the name "Kitty" and poop deck together....is it intentional humor? Maybe use another name?
The cilia image is lovely, but I wonder about the hairs edging out of her flowered bikini. Is she hairy? Sounds odd, or maybe I'm not reading it correctly. Instead of bikini, consider barrette?

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Sea Fever

#3 Post by FranktheFrank » 03 May 2022, 00:42

Yes, I notice it now.
I am not into the subliminal.
Thanks Bob, have changed.
I will work on it this month.
We all have body hair, women too,
although finer than men,
infinitesimally finer, but noticeable.
He was struck by those translucent hairs
golden and silvery in the sun
A turn-on sometimes, even sophisticated ladies
have you noticed. I have to describe her marvellous
athletic body without describing it.

Keeping to the diptych form which is suggestive of two panels
I would like to keep that arrangement. Maybe Michael will pass by.
He's big on diptychs.

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