Waiting for the Divorce Papers

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BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Waiting for the Divorce Papers

#1 Post by BobBradshaw » 13 Aug 2022, 09:06

Waiting for the Divorce Papers

How is it possible,
that twenty years ago
we were in love...
seeing you, my heart trembled
wildly like maracas,

and we "danced like loons",
everyone said,
but we danced more like rushing grebes,
and that's how I imagined
we would always be,

like courting grebes,
facing life together
like those couples with splayed feet
striding ecstatically
across a pond’s surface,
kicking up light.

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Waiting for the Divorce Papers

#2 Post by FranktheFrank » 13 Aug 2022, 15:38

Yes, but I would like to see more of the anguish
in the process of divorce, a wider story.
I think the metaphors take over too much
clever but poems are more than metaphors.

' seeing you, my heart trembled
wildly like maracas,'

Maybe:
When seeing you my heart trembled
like the chatter of pairs of maracas
in a tango

Last three line so of the poem are excellent;

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Waiting for the Divorce Papers

#3 Post by BobBradshaw » 14 Aug 2022, 03:55

Thanks, Ieuan

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