Without Rhyme or Reason

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SivakamiVelliangiri
Posts: 40
Joined: 23 Jan 2022, 15:37

Without Rhyme or Reason

#1 Post by SivakamiVelliangiri » 17 Aug 2022, 21:40

Michael
Thank you.
Hi All
I have problem with the penultimate line. Can someone suggest any edits?
S


V3

I needed to know if there were cicadas at Avalanche.
On the other side of the valley, giant rhododendrons bloomed.
Already my son was making a ruckus, asking that we leave.
Where else in South India could one see solid ice?

At an elevated altitude, I chose to walk behind our cottage
following a cicada trail of whistling droning song, my rib cage
was tight with the pressure of the atmosphere. When I could
climb no higher, I re-winded a trail that unravelled a mystery.

It was very cold. I had hoped to see the ‘ice’. ‘Let us leave,'
he had said, as if he could spot the spirits of the place.
If it had been my daughter, it would have been heed-able
but here he was, without rhyme or reason asking us to retreat.

Just then it stormed. Not wind or sand or dust, but insects--
sheet after Sholapur sheet of gathering swarms
like in the movies.

V2

I needed to know if there were cicadas at Avalanche
on the other side of the valley bloomed giant rhododendrons
already my son was making a ruckus asking that we leave
where else in South India could one see solid ice?

At an elevated altitude, I chose to walk behind our cottage
following a cicada trail of whistling droning song, my rib cage
was tight with the pressure of the atmosphere. When I could
climb no higher, I re-winded a trail that unravelled a mystery.

It was very cold. I had hoped to see the ‘ice’. ‘Let us leave,'
he had said, as if he could spot the spirits of the place.
If it had been my daughter, it would have been heed-able
but here he was, without rhyme or reason asking us to retreat.

Just then it stormed. Not wind or sand or dust, but insects--
power- loom Sholapur bedsheets rushing out of all the town factories
like in the movies.

V1

Needed to know if there were cicadas at Avalanche
on the other side of the valley giant rhododendrons-
already my son was making a ruckus asking that we leave
where else in South India could one see real ice?

At such an elevated altitude , I chose to walk behind our cottage
following a cicada trail of whistling droning song, my rib cage was tight
with the pressure of the atmosphere. When I could climb no higher
I re-winded a trail that unravelled some kind of a mystery.

It was very cold. I had hoped to see the ‘ice’. ‘ Let us leave
he had said as if he could spot the spirits of the place.
If it had been my daughter, it would have been believable
but here he was, without rhyme or reason asking us to retreat.

Just then it stormed. Not wind or sand or dust, but insects
like Sholapur bedsheets. That is how it happened.

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Without Rhyme or Reason

#2 Post by FranktheFrank » 18 Aug 2022, 09:36

I loved this poem,
so much so I nominate it now for the IBPC this month.
I enjoyed rewriting it in my own way this early morn.

Your poem needs some tweaking though.

I assume 'Avalanche' is a place, perhaps another name
so the reader is not confused.

‘ Let us leave
he had said as if he could spot the spirits of the place.

Should be: 'Let us leave,' he said, [nervous of the spirits there.]

You could add: [through chattering teeth] to emphasise
the cold, why the fun had gone out of his visit.

Last stanza: Perhaps emphasise that the shower was a blessing
not anger from the gods who dwell in inaccessible heights.

best wishes

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Without Rhyme or Reason

#3 Post by BobBradshaw » 18 Aug 2022, 22:04

I agree. An enjoyable piece. Nitpit: the 1st 2 lines need punctuation.... or maybe take out the rhododendrons line.

Needed to know if there were cicadas at Avalanche
on the other side of the valley giant rhododendrons-

maybe
I needed to know if there were cicadas at Avalanche.
On the other side of the valley bloomed giant rhododendrons.
Already my son was making a ruckus asking that we leave.
Where else in South India could one see real ice?

SivakamiVelliangiri
Posts: 40
Joined: 23 Jan 2022, 15:37

Re: Without Rhyme or Reason

#4 Post by SivakamiVelliangiri » 20 Aug 2022, 20:42

Frank
Thank you for spending time on the poem. I will take some of your suggestions.
Bob
I will attempt writing out like how you suggest. Thanks
Siva

Michael (MV)
Posts: 2154
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: Without Rhyme or Reason

#5 Post by Michael (MV) » 21 Aug 2022, 21:17

Hi Siva,

Workshopping the 1st stanza, mainly for punctuation:

I needed to know if there were cicadas at Avalanche.
On the other side of the valley, giant rhododendrons bloomed.
Already my son was making a ruckus, asking that we leave.
Where else in South India could one see solid ice?

😎

Michael (MV)

RamanathanSiva
Posts: 127
Joined: 28 Aug 2020, 23:11

Re: Without Rhyme or Reason

#6 Post by RamanathanSiva » 25 Aug 2022, 13:11

Needed to know if there were cicadas at Avalanche.
On the other side of the valley, giant rhododendrons bloomed.
Already my son was making a ruckus, asking that we leave.
Where else in South India could one see solid ice?

At an elevated altitude, I chose to walk behind our cottage
following a cicada trail of whistling droning song, my rib cage
was tight with the pressure of the atmosphere. When I could
climb no higher, I re-winded a trail that unravelled a mystery.

It was very cold. I had hoped to see the ‘ice’. ‘Let us leave,'
he had said, as if he could spot the spirits of the place.
If it had been my daughter, it would have been heed-able
but here he was, without rhyme or reason asking us to retreat.

Just then it stormed. Not wind or sand or dust, but insects--
sheet after Sholapur sheet of gathering swarms
like in the movies.

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