The Missing

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BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

The Missing

#1 Post by BobBradshaw » 18 Aug 2022, 22:05

v2:
The Missing

Maussels are going extinct:
the flat pig toe, the stirrupshell,
the upland combshell.

Flyers too: the Kuaua’i ‘akialoa,
the Ivory-billed woodpecker,
the Little Mariana fruit bat.

Ominously the list
of the missing keeps growing:
the Bachman's warbler

with its zip and zeep songs,
which delighted me as a boy,
is vanishing.

That small dandy, the Bridled white-eye
with ringed eyes,
yellow bill and pale

underparts too is lost.
I will go missing as quietly,
my voice melting into the air.




v1:
The Missing

Many mussels this year have gone extinct:
the flat pig toe, the stirrupshell,
the upland combshell.

Flyers too: the Kuaua’i ‘akialoa,
the ivory-billed woodpecker,
the Little Mariana fruit bat.

Ominously the list
of the missing keeps growing:
the Bachman's warbler

with its zip and zeep songs,
which delighted me as a boy,
has vanished into the air.

That small dandy, the Bridled white-eye
with ringed eyes,
yellow bill and pale

underparts too is lost.
I will go missing as quietly,
my voice melting into the air.

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Billy
Posts: 1384
Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

Re: The Missing

#2 Post by Billy » 20 Aug 2022, 04:22

I love all the names of the missing creatures and where the poem goes. Just maybe you came to the end too quickly or maybe not.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: The Missing

#3 Post by BobBradshaw » 20 Aug 2022, 06:11

Thanks, Billy…. Maybe it would be better to put the last 2 lines in their own stanza. What do you think?

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: The Missing

#4 Post by FranktheFrank » 20 Aug 2022, 17:28

Start more concisely:

Mussels are going extinct:
the flat pig toe, stirrupshell,
and upland combshell

Same for s2
Missing too: Kuaua’i ‘akialoa flyer,
ivory-billed woodpecker,
and Little Mariana fruit bat.

'Underparts' must be a bird, surely not 'underpants'.

Keep the same length stanzas.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: The Missing

#5 Post by BobBradshaw » 20 Aug 2022, 19:58

Thanks, Ieuan. Something to think about.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: The Missing

#6 Post by BobBradshaw » 22 Aug 2022, 19:43

Thanks, Ieuan. I have taken your suggestion.

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: The Missing

#7 Post by FranktheFrank » 22 Aug 2022, 20:49

Maussels [Mussels] are going extinct:

[Pleurobema marshalli, the flat pig toe or Marshall's mussel, was a species of freshwater mussel in the family Unionidae, the river mussels. It was native to Alabama and Mississippi, but it has not been seen since 1980.Though it is still listed as critically endangered on the IUCN Red List and as an endangered species on the US Endangered Species List, it is likely extinct.]

the flat pig toe, the stirrup-shell,
[and] the upland comb-shell.

Flyers too: the Kuaua’i ‘akialoa,
the ivory-billed woodpecker,
and Little Mariana fruit bat. {why are the first two words capitalised?]

[Because there is only one official name for each bird, unlike any other group of animals or plants, it has become common usage for all common names of birds to be capitalized, such as Black Phoebe or Mallard. Virtually all bird-related publications – books, magazines, blogs, field guides, and websites – capitalize bird names.
Upper Case Bird Names – Ornithology]

[N.B. my note - there is a battle going on between English professionals and bird-book usage - With these weird names, I think you are safe to capitalise, but all the name not part of it.]

Ominously the list
of the missing keeps growing:
the Bachman's warbler [Bachman's Warbler]

with its zip and zeep songs,[I like this description of the bird's song, zip zeep song]
which delighted me as a boy,
is vanishing.

That small dandy, the Bridled white-eye [Bridled White-Eye]
with ringed eyes, yellow bill
and pale underparts [underbelly?]

too is lost.[is lost too]
I will go missing [It will disappear] as quietly,
[as] my voice melting into the [thin] or [invisible] air.]
[as my voice melting into thin air]
[as my voice extirpating into invisible air]

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: The Missing

#8 Post by BobBradshaw » 22 Aug 2022, 23:31

Tweaked… mussels don’t tend to have their names capitalized; with birds it’s often just the first word in the name.

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: The Missing

#9 Post by FranktheFrank » 23 Aug 2022, 18:09

I forgot to mention, I'm not too keen on the title.
Now that I'm wrong about the capitalisation,
I really wish I hadn't spent so much time
on the review but just said, nice poem.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: The Missing

#10 Post by BobBradshaw » 24 Aug 2022, 01:38

Sorry, Ieuan. My explanation wasn’t meant to offend. I went against my own advice in offering an explanation. I should never defend my work. It discourages constructive criticism, which is the whole point of workshopping. My bad.

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: The Missing

#11 Post by FranktheFrank » 24 Aug 2022, 13:30

Dear poet Bob

not offended, not annoyed, you offered the truth as you see it.
No problem.

Still don't like that Title.
Some synonym of expiration: synonyms:
death · demise · passing · passing away · passing on · expiry · departure from life · final exit · eternal rest · decease · quietus
best wishes

RamanathanSiva
Posts: 127
Joined: 28 Aug 2020, 23:11

Re: The Missing

#12 Post by RamanathanSiva » 24 Aug 2022, 22:19

Going missing, is going missing. It is none of the things Frank says.
S

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: The Missing

#13 Post by FranktheFrank » 25 Aug 2022, 00:23

I would say

Disappearing Species, but that is boring.

Or Quietus

I like Quitus it not used a lot.

The thing about opinions is they vary a lot.

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