Living in East Germany, 1963

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BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Living in East Germany, 1963

#1 Post by BobBradshaw » 28 Dec 2022, 04:40

Living in East Germany, 1963
 
 
 The landlord watches from a slightly opened door
 as I slip into my apartment, a book hidden in my coat.
 There is a clattering of footsteps up the stairs
 that stops just outside my door.
 The light under the door turns to shadow.
 There are whispers in the hallway.
 There are scrapings above my ceiling.
 The skylight darkens momentarily.
 I turn up the stereo.
 The hammering isn't my heart
 but a neighbor hanging a picture.
 Water drips into the canyon of a sink.  
 My arrhythmia erupts like rapid gunshots
 as pigeons scatter from the roof.

Michael (MV)
Posts: 2154
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: Living in East Germany, 1963

#2 Post by Michael (MV) » 31 Dec 2022, 22:25

Hi Bob,

Edvard Munch appears before me as I read this high anxiety panic attack -Yes, I realize he was earlier, but then, Poe was even earlier, and his vibe(TTH) is here, too.

A build up without a release; or with pending fatal consequence - Poe again (P&P)

Workshop-studies:

1/ recasted as:

The skylight dims and darkens.

^^ I like the erratic shift in the finale

2 "gunshots" is mild here; workshop-consider:

My arrhythmia erupts like rapid firing,
scattering flocked pigeons from the roof.

Or, getting very Poe-like here:

My arrhythmia erupts like rapid firing,
fibrillating from the roof the flock of pigeons.

^^ leading me to this recast:

The hammering isn't my palpitation,
 but a neighbor hanging a picture.

3/ Blend these 2 lines as:

There are whispers in the hallway.
and scrapings above my ceiling.
.

Michael (MV)

BobBradshaw wrote:
28 Dec 2022, 04:40
Living in East Germany, 1963
 
 
 The landlord watches from a slightly opened door
 as I slip into my apartment, a book hidden in my coat.
 There is a clattering of footsteps up the stairs
 that stops just outside my door.
 The light under the door turns to shadow.
 There are whispers in the hallway.
 There are scrapings above my ceiling.
 The skylight darkens momentarily.
 I turn up the stereo.
 The hammering isn't my heart
 but a neighbor hanging a picture.
 Water drips into the canyon of a sink.  
 My arrhythmia erupts like rapid gunshots
 as pigeons scatter from the roof.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Living in East Germany, 1963

#3 Post by BobBradshaw » 01 Jan 2023, 00:00

Thanks, Michael. I wii employ some of your ideas.

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Living in East Germany, 1963

#4 Post by FranktheFrank » 04 Feb 2023, 15:40

There are still too many uses of the word door in the first few lines.

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