The Locket

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BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

The Locket

#1 Post by BobBradshaw » 14 Apr 2023, 20:54

V5:

The Locket

The gold is wearing now;
Sara’s worn it so long
around her neck,
she touches it
without realizing it.
It carries an ultrasound image
of our daughter,
our first child.
The grainy
black and white image
looks like the moon’s surface,
our daughter somewhere
on it. Even now
when I gaze up
at the night sky I often recall
our one photo of her,
and what could have been.
Today would have been
her 5th birthday.
She would have loved
superheroes, zombies, dolls.
Maybe she would love to dance
to rock n roll as most girls do
at this age.

When alone my wife
sometimes slips out her locket,
opens its clasp
and gazes longingly at it—
the way my grandfather
would fondle
his cherished gold watch.
Perhaps Sara sees
in her precious
locket
another type of watch,
one which tries to measure
the incalculable:
our love and time with Suzie,
which can never
be recovered.



V4:

The Locket

The gold is wearing now;
she's worn it so long around her neck,
she touches it without realizing it.
It carries an ultrasound image
of our daughter, our first child.
The grainy black and white image
looks like the moon’s surface,
our daughter somewhere on it.
Even now when I gaze up
at the night sky I often recall
our one photo of her,
and what could have been. Today
would have been her 5th birthday.
Perhaps she would have loved
superheroes, zombies, dolls.
Maybe she would love to dance
to rock n roll as most girls do
at this age.

When she thinks that no one
is watching, my wife
sometimes slips out her locket,
opens its clasp
and gazes longingly at it.
The way my grandfather
used to pull from his pocket
a cherished watch, tethered
to a chain.
But it's as if my wife sees
in her cherished possession
another type of watch,
which tries to measure
the incalculable, time
lost.


V3:

The Locket

The gold is wearing now;
she's worn it so long around her neck,
she touches it without realizing it.
It carries an ultrasound image
of our daughter, our first child.
The grainy black and white image
looks like the moon’s surface,
our daughter somewhere on it.
Even now when I gaze up
at the night sky I often recall
our one photo of her,
and what could have been. Today
would have been her 5th birthday.
Perhaps she would have loved
superheroes, zombies, dolls.
Maybe she would love to dance
to rock n roll as most girls do
at this age.

When she thinks that no one
is watching, my wife
sometimes slips out her locket,
opens its clasp
and gazes longingly at it.
The way my grandfather
used to pull from his pocket
a cherished watch, tethered
to a chain—to check the time
of day, or maybe the time lost,
which is maybe what my wife seeks,
the locket a type of watch
which tries to measure
the incalculable, time
lost.



V2:

The Locket

My wife wears a locket round her neck.
It carries an ultrasound image
of our daughter, our first child.
The grainy black and white image
looks like the moon’s surface,
our daughter somewhere on it.
Even now when I gaze up
at the night sky I often recall
our one photo of her,
and what could have been. Today
would have been her 5th birthday.
Perhaps she would have loved
superheroes, zombies, dolls.
Maybe she would love to dance
to rock n roll as most girls do
at this age.

When she thinks that no one
is watching, my wife
sometimes slips out her locket,
opens its clasp
and gazes longingly at it.
The way my grandfather
used to pull from his pocket
a cherished watch, tethered
to a chain—to check the time
of the day, or maybe the time lost,
which is maybe what my wife seeks,
the locket a type of watch
which tries to measure
the incalculable, time
lost.

V1:
The Locket

My wife wears a locket round her neck.
It carries an ultrasound image
of our daughter, our first child.
The grainy black and white image
looks like the moon’s surface,
our daughter somewhere on it.
Even now when I gaze up
at the night sky I often recall
our one photo of her,
and what could have been. Today
would have been her 5th birthday.
Perhaps she would have loved
superheroes, zombies, dolls.
Maybe she would love to dance
to rock n roll as most girls do
at this age. When she thinks
that no one’s watching, my wife
sometimes slips out her locket,
opens its clasp
and gazes longingly at it.
The way my grandfather
used to pull from his pocket
a cherished watch, tethered
to a chain—to check the time
of the day, or maybe the time lost,
which is maybe what my wife seeks,
the locket a type of watch
which tries to measure
the incalculable, time
lost.

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: The Locket

#2 Post by FranktheFrank » 14 Apr 2023, 22:49

Poignant, Bob.

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: The Locket

#3 Post by FranktheFrank » 14 Apr 2023, 22:49

Poignant, Bob.

My great grandmother lost a twin daughter
and I inherited it through a cousin a locket
with a sepia print of the 3-year old child.
The image was almost completly lost until
another cousin, who was interested in the
genealogy, restored it.
Instead of a clasp that opened it had
a simple glass window. My great grandmother
wore the broach with the glass next to her skin
until she died. Your poem resonated with me
Bob.

How about: [dotted like the moon's surface with age] for L5.

Maybe break at L16 new stanza at: [When she thinks].

Perhaps more direct on L18, drop 'sometimes' and substitute 'will'.

When it's just us two, she will slip out . . .

Good draft.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: The Locket

#4 Post by BobBradshaw » 15 Apr 2023, 21:23

Some good ideas to think about. I will get back to this. Thanks, Ieuan!

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: The Locket

#5 Post by BobBradshaw » 23 Apr 2023, 00:09

Tweaked

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: The Locket

#6 Post by FranktheFrank » 23 Apr 2023, 03:35

Bob, the start could be softer, tenderer, not so blunt.

The gold is wearing now
she's worn it so long around her neck.
She touches it without realising
it is still part of us both
The pain is till there, softer now
without the bitterness
It's good to remember . . .

I know it's not good form to rewrite a poem especially a gifted poet.
Just a suggestion.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: The Locket

#7 Post by BobBradshaw » 23 Apr 2023, 04:54

Thanks, Ieuan! I really like these last lines

The gold is wearing now
she's worn it so long around her neck.
She touches it without realising
it is still part of us both

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: The Locket

#8 Post by FranktheFrank » 23 Apr 2023, 12:26

I meant it to replace the beginning, Bob.

I thought your beginning too prosaic.

Sorry.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: The Locket

#9 Post by BobBradshaw » 23 Apr 2023, 20:33

Begging? Oh, my goodness!

RamanathanSiva
Posts: 127
Joined: 28 Aug 2020, 23:11

Re: The Locket

#10 Post by RamanathanSiva » 23 Apr 2023, 20:49

Beginning. But Bernie used to say,’ strong declarative sentence,’ pat.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: The Locket

#11 Post by BobBradshaw » 24 Apr 2023, 04:16

Thank you, Ieuan. The poem is better thanks to your help.

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Billy
Posts: 1384
Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

Re: The Locket

#12 Post by Billy » 28 Apr 2023, 17:54

Good rewriting, Bob. I have only one suggestion, leave out "the" and just have "time of day".

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: The Locket

#13 Post by BobBradshaw » 29 Apr 2023, 04:30

Thanks, Billy. I made the change.

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: The Locket

#14 Post by FranktheFrank » 29 Apr 2023, 12:15

S1 if excellent and complete.
You struggle a bit in S2, Bob
You need to synthesize what you want to say
about grandpa and his watch.
I like what you are attempting to portray
but it is wordy, rambling even.

It's good to be back workshopping again.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: The Locket

#15 Post by BobBradshaw » 30 Apr 2023, 02:09

Thanks, Ieuan. You are probably right. I have made a stab at improving it.

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: The Locket

#16 Post by FranktheFrank » 30 Apr 2023, 11:58

You are open in workshopping Bob,
a pleasant attitude.
When she thinks that no one
is watching, my wife
sometimes slips out her locket,
opens its clasp
and gazes longingly at it.
The way my grandfather
used to pull from his pocket
a cherished watch, tethered
to a chain—to check the time
of the day, or maybe the time lost,
which is maybe what my wife seeks,
the locket a type of watch
which tries to measure
the incalculable, time
lost.
How about;

When alone
She fondles the locket
Unaware of time and space
Like Opa with his gold chained
Watch. Stroking cherished time
Longing to bring back times that are lost
Incalculable time that cannot
be recovered.

Apologies for rewriting your fine poem Bob.

Something like that, not exactly, but something shorter.

best wishes. Congrats for your poem in Autumn Sky Daily Poem, this week, well done.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: The Locket

#17 Post by BobBradshaw » 01 May 2023, 05:20

Ok, thanks again, Ieuan. I don’t know if this version is better or not….though it is simpler.

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: The Locket

#18 Post by FranktheFrank » 04 May 2023, 20:52

Yes, in fact the old adage, 'concise is better,' works.
Well done.

It is a pleasure to workshop with you Bob,

Reminds me of the good times with Bernie.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: The Locket

#19 Post by BobBradshaw » 04 May 2023, 22:06

Thanks, Ieuan! Your help was big.

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