The Rain (small changes)

[CalebMurdock]

The Rain (small changes)

[BobBradshaw]

Lovely close! I love the lines below.... A suggestion...and I'm glad that the workshop is talking about line endings...Move "that" and "but" at the end of the 2nd and 3rd lines to the start of their following lines....e.g., "that lashes..."

like a maid secure
in her duties but missing out on life,
wanting something more,

[CalebMurdock]

Bob, thank you for your comments.

Firstly, I gather that the connection between rain "weeping and cleaning" and a maid who cleans and presumably weeps because of the state of her life, is one that you can appreciate. You see, on the other forum, they didn't grasp it so well. If so, just for that alone I want to give you a kiss (on the cheek, of course).

The poem is written in a rough meter, which is why the line breaks may not be in the most perfect places. I will try putting it into free verse (and invite you to do the same if you have the interest) to see how it looks. Both proper meter and rough meter can result in poor line endings.

Regarding meter, I have begun to loosen up recently. I will write a poem in what I call "rough meter", and then, after it is done, I'll do a lot of tweaking so that the phrases correspond with the line endings as much as possible. In this case, I didn't do that.

Thank you so much.

I'm sorry for being so aggressive on your other poem, but my aggressiveness was a measure of how much I liked it.

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Bob, you should know that when I examined the lines of the poem, I found no justification for leaving those conjunctions at the ends of the lines. I don't know what I was thinking at the time.

[BobBradshaw]

Thank you….mucho gracias for your suggestions

[CalebMurdock]

de nada

[BobBradshaw]

This revision works well! I love that last stanza. All of it.

[CalebMurdock]

Thanks so much, Bob. However, having shown that I can be defensive, please don't feel intimidated if you feel the need to suggest deeper changes to a poem. I may not like it, but ultimately it improves me as a writer.