Goodbye
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BobBradshaw
- Posts: 2692
- Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Re: Goodbye
Some nice lines in this one….see my favorite ones below.
The language is rather formal, but since it’s consistent I’m not faulting it… though I do dislike “I bid you”.
There is a lot of warmth in this poem, especially in the next to last stanza, my favorite.
Trying to hold onto water is a common simile, but the thousand droplets is nice. The “And” beginning S2 is filler. Start with “though”.
I didn’t like the vague closing of “shield”. Shield how?
Since S4 is the strongest and most heartfelt stanza, I would end there.
So, in summary, a pretty nice piece. And even stronger if you end on S4.
If you can use any of my suggestions, fine. If not, that’s fine too; just ignore them.
Lines that stood out as stellar:
The air in my world is suddenly thin,
and the light comes paler through the tall trees
of my grief.
and my favorite lines:
new life and loves,
for this is all you deserve: to be loved
by a thousand lovers, each gentler than the last;
and even then, you will not be loved enough.
The language is rather formal, but since it’s consistent I’m not faulting it… though I do dislike “I bid you”.
There is a lot of warmth in this poem, especially in the next to last stanza, my favorite.
Trying to hold onto water is a common simile, but the thousand droplets is nice. The “And” beginning S2 is filler. Start with “though”.
I didn’t like the vague closing of “shield”. Shield how?
Since S4 is the strongest and most heartfelt stanza, I would end there.
So, in summary, a pretty nice piece. And even stronger if you end on S4.
If you can use any of my suggestions, fine. If not, that’s fine too; just ignore them.
Lines that stood out as stellar:
The air in my world is suddenly thin,
and the light comes paler through the tall trees
of my grief.
and my favorite lines:
new life and loves,
for this is all you deserve: to be loved
by a thousand lovers, each gentler than the last;
and even then, you will not be loved enough.
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CalebMurdock
- Posts: 198
- Joined: 10 Dec 2023, 14:59
Re: Goodbye
Bob, I'm very grateful for the detailed critique. I posted it here because I had vague feelings that the poem wasn't completely original. Also, on another forum, someone was reminded by my use of "pace" of the line from Yeats:
"And paced upon the mountains overhead"
I think I'll be accepting some of your suggestions, although scrapping the final stanza would be hard.
You did miss one thing that others picked up: stanza 4 has a double meaning. Being loved by a thousand lovers would be a kind of torture, so the speaker's anger at being rejected is hinted there.
The "tall trees of my grief" may be my favorite line in all of my poetry, except one other line when I compared youth to "water boiling in a pan".
I used "shield" simply because it was short, made a certain amount of sense, and it rhymed with "field". I don't see "shield" as any worse than vague words like "bless" or "protect". However, I'll hit the thesaurus.
Thanks again! Very useful!
"And paced upon the mountains overhead"
I think I'll be accepting some of your suggestions, although scrapping the final stanza would be hard.
You did miss one thing that others picked up: stanza 4 has a double meaning. Being loved by a thousand lovers would be a kind of torture, so the speaker's anger at being rejected is hinted there.
The "tall trees of my grief" may be my favorite line in all of my poetry, except one other line when I compared youth to "water boiling in a pan".
I used "shield" simply because it was short, made a certain amount of sense, and it rhymed with "field". I don't see "shield" as any worse than vague words like "bless" or "protect". However, I'll hit the thesaurus.
Thanks again! Very useful!