Fluid Leak

Poets post their works-in-progress here for crit and commentary. We want poets who are serious about getting their work published.
Post Reply
Message
Author
FranktheFrank
Posts: 1988
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Fluid Leak

#1 Post by FranktheFrank » 18 Feb 2024, 03:00

COVID-19 Test Caused Man's 9-Month-Long Brain-Fluid Leak
From the magazine: 'Live Science'

No one enjoys the spillage
of a blocked drain overflowing with rain.
It goes against the grain,
or bathwater running
down collapsing the ceiling.
Worse is a sewage pit backing up.
The smell after cleaning-out
excreta spoils one’s dinner.
It’s no fun.

What could be worse than a rusty cistern
collapsing in the attic, running down
the walls flooding the whole house,
short circuiting the electrics
peeling the new oak floor.
Buckling the timbers.
It’s no fun at all.

But listen,
give a thought to the Czech
with a leak, thinking it was an allergy.
Who soldiered on, not realizing
a disease had struck.
Despite a negative test,
John Hopkins diagnosed cerebral fluid
oozing from his brain out through the nose,
the after-effects of that dreaded affliction
from the Corvid-19 crisis.
He certainly found it no fun,
no fun at all.

Could it be worse?
Doubtful, maybe the brain itself
leaking through the nose.
Or as a TV comedy series has speculated
of space explorers operating
under the influence of drugs
who hallucinate dancing with beautiful
women who are in fact aliens
who suck out their brains with a straw
as they dance oblivious to the danger.
Now, that is no fun, no fun at all, at all.

CalebMurdock
Posts: 194
Joined: 10 Dec 2023, 14:59

Re: Fluid Leak

#2 Post by CalebMurdock » 18 Feb 2024, 20:37

I think this poem can come across in more than one way -- as a funny fantasy, or as an uncomfortable set of images people would prefer not to think about. I found myself reacting in both ways. Whichever it is, I feel that it rambles a bit, so my suggestion is to tighten up the language. Somehow it needs more focus.

In the third strophe, I think you meant to write "thought" instead of "though" in the second line. I'm curious about what the Czechs have to do with it.

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1988
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Fluid Leak

#3 Post by FranktheFrank » 21 Feb 2024, 03:26

*****
Just found this and thought it written by someone else
when in fact it was written by myself although I only
vaguely remember writing it. I thought it awfully good
actually. Better on here rather than in my desk drawer
as it were.
Ieuan
[/quote]

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1988
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Fluid Leak

#4 Post by FranktheFrank » 21 Feb 2024, 03:27

Thank you Caleb, altered.

CalebMurdock
Posts: 194
Joined: 10 Dec 2023, 14:59

Re: Fluid Leak

#5 Post by CalebMurdock » 21 Feb 2024, 09:16

Yes, you altered one character in the poem! Was that a test to see if I was paying attention?

Actually, the first time I read through the poem I didn't keep the title in mind, which I should have, as it would have made more sense. (I have a bad habit of ignoring titles and going straight to the poem.) This time the poem seems to have grown on me. I didn't have the uncomfortable reaction to the images I had the first time. Having written plenty of poems with gross images (including one about pooping for God), I really have no right to find anyone else's images uncomfortable.

So I've revised my opinion to: The poem works for me now.

Post Reply